jokes bad or otherwise.

A policeman pulls a man over for speeding and asks him to get out of the car. After looking the man over he says, "Sir, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are bloodshot. Have you been drinking?"

The man gets really indignant and says, "Officer, I couldn't help but notice your eyes are glazed. Have you been eating doughnuts?"
 
Driving to work, a gentleman had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. The policeman stopped traffic and recovered the box. It was found to contain large carpet laying fixings .

"I'm sorry sir," the first policeman told the driver, "but I am still going to have to write you a ticket."

Amazed, the driver asked for what.

The trooper replied, "Tacks evasion." :08::tw::fp:
 
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner.

At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.

It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realise the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."
 
captain clutterbuck said:
A lady goes to the doctor and complains her husband is losing interest in sex.

He gives her a pill but warns her that it's still experimental. He tells her to slip it in his mashed potatoes at dinner.

At dinner that night, she does just that.

About a week later she's back at the doctor and tells him, "The pill worked great! I put it in his mashed potatoes like you said.

It wasn't five minutes later that he jumped up, pushed all the food and dishes to the floor, grabbed me, ripped off all my clothes and ravaged me right there on the table."

The doctor says, "Oh dear -- I'm sorry, we didn't realise the pill
was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."

The lady replied, "That's very kind - but I don't think the restaurant will let us back in anyway."
Click to expand...
Would this be the same couple as the newlyweds?. :08:
 
An old but still ruggedly handsome Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young, idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up a little. Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. You really need to chill out and quit taking everything so seriously!? I mean, no sex since 1955!?"

Feeling charitable and a little bit drunk, she took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him several times. Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955!"

The Sergeant Major, glancing at his watch, said in his matter-of-fact voice, "I hope not, it's only 22 hundred hours now."
 
A man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool. The barman looks at him and says, "What'll it be buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles." The barman does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, and so on until all seven are gone almost as quickly as they were served. Staring in disbelief, the barman asks why he's doing all this drinking.

"You'd drink them this fast too if you had what I have."

The barman hastily asks, "What do you have pal?"

The man quickly replies, "A pound."
 
A truck driver frequently travelled through a small town where there was a courthouse at the side of the road. Of course, there were always lawyers walking along the road. The truck driver made it a practice to hit any pedestrian lawyers with his truck as he sped by.

One day, he spotted a priest walking along the road and stopped to give him a ride. A little further along, as he approached the town, he spotted a lawyer walking along the side of the road. Automatically, he veered his truck towards the lawyer, but...then he remembered his passenger.

He swerved back to the centre of the road, but he heard a huge thud and in the rear view mirror he spotted the lawyer rolling across the field. He turned to the priest and said, "Father, I'm sure that I missed that lawyer!" And the priest replied, "That's OK, my son, I got him with the door."
 
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and asks to bet twenty thousand dollars ($20,000) on a single roll of the dice. She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."

With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed... "YES! YES! I WON, I WON!" She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed...

The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "Absolutely no idea I thought you were watching!"
 
During the wedding rehearsal, the groom approached the Vicar with an unusual offer:

"Look, I'll give you £100 if you'll change the wedding vows. When you get to the part where I'm supposed to promise to 'love, honour and obey' and 'be faithful to her forever,' I'd appreciate it if you'd just leave that out."

He passed the Vicar a £100 bill and walked away satisfied.

On the day of the wedding, when it came time for the groom's vows, the Vicar looked the young man in the eye and said: "Will you promise to prostrate yourself before her, obey her every command and wish, serve her breakfast in bed every morning of your life, and swear eternally before God and your lovely wife that you will not ever even look at another woman, as long as you both shall live?"

The groom gulped and looked around, and said in a tiny voice, "Yes," then leaned toward the Vicar and hissed: "I thought we had a deal."

The Vicar put a £100 into the groom's hand and whispered: "She made me a better offer."
 
A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the Vicar finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.

The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"

"I was thinking about my own funeral," the man replied.

"What's so funny about that?"

"I'm a endoscopist "
 
The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. "Your holiness," said one of the Cardinals, "Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match." The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

"Not to worry," said the Cardinal, "We'll call America and talk to Tiger Woods. We'll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres... We can't lose!" Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Tiger was honoured and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Woods reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. "I came in second, your Holiness," said Woods.

"Second?!!" exclaimed the surprised Pope. "You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!"

"No," said Nicklaus, "second to Rabbi Mcilroy."
 
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