jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
- Start date
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A man is riding a motorcycle down Pacific Coast Highway, living the dream, when all of a sudden the clouds start to form, he pulls over. Out of nowhere he hears a booming voice from above: "My son, you have lived a life of virtue, one that I would be proud of, ask me of anything and I will grant it."
Astounded the man thinks for a minute then says: "Well I wish that I could ride my bike to Hawaii. I wish there was a bridge from California to Hawaii so I could ride my bike there."
There was a pause and then the voice said: "You know, I could do it. I could quarry the oceans and build a road that could stretch across the Pacific to Hawaii, I could do it, but is there anything you could think of that would better convey my glory, something that would be worthy of my power?"
The man sat and thought for a minute then said: "OK I wish to know what Women think, how they think. I want to know the inner workings of their thoughts and what makes them tick."
There was a long pause then the voice said: "Do you want one lane or two?"
Astounded the man thinks for a minute then says: "Well I wish that I could ride my bike to Hawaii. I wish there was a bridge from California to Hawaii so I could ride my bike there."
There was a pause and then the voice said: "You know, I could do it. I could quarry the oceans and build a road that could stretch across the Pacific to Hawaii, I could do it, but is there anything you could think of that would better convey my glory, something that would be worthy of my power?"
The man sat and thought for a minute then said: "OK I wish to know what Women think, how they think. I want to know the inner workings of their thoughts and what makes them tick."
There was a long pause then the voice said: "Do you want one lane or two?"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
There were three guys were up in a small plane. For some strange reason they decided to drop something from the plane's cockpit . One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off.
Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him.
After they asked him he replied, "I had a very hot curry last night and when I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I broke wind and my whole house blew up!"
When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was another woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they walk up to her and asked her why she was crying she said: "A brick fell from the sky, landed on my dog, and now my dog is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and walked away.
The next house they came across a little further down the road there was a man laughing his head off.
Wondering what was so funny they went up to ask him.
After they asked him he replied, "I had a very hot curry last night and when I bent over to get the newspaper this morning, I broke wind and my whole house blew up!"
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
Why do ducks have feathers?
To cover their butt quacks!
To cover their butt quacks!
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
Pedro and Maria got married. Pedro was a 'man about town' so to speak, but Maria was very naive and uninformed about the birds and the bees.
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then proceeded to show her what it was for. Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one too".
Thinking fast, Pedro said "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only OTHER man in the world with one of those".
Maria accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work again the next morning and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said "Maria, what is the matter now?"
“Pedro, why did you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"
Pedro was a poor working man and could not afford to take time off for a honeymoon. So, that night they retired to his little shack. When Pedro was undressing Maria said "Oh Pedro, what is that?" Pedro being very quick thinking said "Maria, I am the only man in the world with one of these" and then proceeded to show her what it was for. Maria was happy.
The next morning Pedro went off to work as usual. When he returned home that evening, Maria was on the front porch obviously upset about something.
"Pedro, you told me that you were the only man in the world with one of those, and I saw Gonzalez the gardener changing his clothes behind the shed, and he had one too".
Thinking fast, Pedro said "Oh, Maria, Gonzalez is my very best friend. I had two of them so I gave him one. He is the only OTHER man in the world with one of those".
Maria accepted his answer and they did their thing again that night. Pedro went off to work again the next morning and, when he returned home, Maria was very upset, stamping her foot on the porch.
Pedro said "Maria, what is the matter now?"
“Pedro, why did you gave Gonzalez the best one!!"
imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
Two monkeys were getting into the bath. One says to the other, Ooh ooh ooh ooh, aah aah aah aah. The other says to him: Well, put some cold water in then!
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.
“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife.”
“Well, tell me!” the man said.
The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkins said: “Give me the bad news first.”
So the policeman said: “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her.”
“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkins demanded.
The policeman said: “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”
“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkins, but we have some information about your wife.”
“Well, tell me!” the man said.
The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”
Fearing the worst, Mr. Wilkins said: “Give me the bad news first.”
So the policeman said: “I’m sorry to tell you sir, but this morning we found your wife’s body in the bay.”
“Oh my god!,” said Mr. Wilkins, overcome by emotion. Then, remembering what the policeman had said, he asked: “What’s the good news?”
“Well,” said the policeman, “When we pulled her up she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen good size Dungeness crab on her.”
“If that’s the good news, then what’s the great news?” Mr. Wilkins demanded.
The policeman said: “We’re going to pull her up again tomorrow morning.”
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A lemon, a potato and a pea had a tough week at the grocery store ,so they decided to let off some steam with a pub crawl at the weekend.
They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and suffered reflux ,the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.
At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.
The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.
By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!".
The lemon was now throwing up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!".
The potato turned to him and said "Easy Peasy!! Lemon's queasy!!"
They had a great time, hitting bar after bar, knocking back drinks, but being so genetically different, the alcohol affected them each in different ways: the lemon got very acidic and suffered reflux ,the potato, being a big starchy chap, took the booze in his stride; while the little pea reacted to all the sugar and started to get a touch hyperactive.
At the end of the night, the three friends found themselves leaving a bar at the top of a tall hill, all of a sudden the pea started bouncing up and down excitedly: "Lads! Lads! I've got a great idea! We’re all vaguely round in shape, let's not get a cab home, let's just roll down the hill!" and before the others could protest he was off - shooting down the hill at a rate of knots.
The lemon lurched after him, but soon started listing violently from side to side as he went, owing to his oval shape, which did nothing for his unsettled stomach. With a sigh, the potato trundled along slowly behind.
By the time the potato had bounced his way to the bottom of the hill, the lemon was spewing lemon juice all over the pavement, but the pea was already jumping up and down again "that was great, that was great, let's do it again!".
The lemon was now throwing up pips with the acid, but the pea didn't seem to care "Come on! let's go again, that was great!".
The potato turned to him and said "Easy Peasy!! Lemon's queasy!!"
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
I can never take my dog to the park because the ducks keep trying to bite him.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
I guess that’s what I get for buying a pure bread dog.
Electrical Entwistle
Dedicated Member
What do dentists call their X-rays?
Tooth Pics.
Tooth Pics.
dick
LOTSW Fanatic
A man went into the police station asking to speak to the man who had been caught in his house the night before.,
The desk sergeant said "You'll get your chance in court!"
"No said the man , I want to find out how he got in without waking my wife ! I've been trying to do that for years !"
The desk sergeant said "You'll get your chance in court!"
"No said the man , I want to find out how he got in without waking my wife ! I've been trying to do that for years !"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A guy is walking down the street and suddenly notices that his watch has stopped working. As he stands there musing over this discovery, he notices that the display window of a nearby shop has several dozen watches and clocks in it.
The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the proprietor, "Excuse me, my watch has stopped working. I wonder if you can repair it for me?"
The proprietor looks up from his desk and says, "What are you talking about? I'm not a watchmaker--I'm a Mohel. I perform circumcisions."
Confused, the gentleman asks, "Well then why do you have so many watches and clocks in your window?"
The Mohel calmly replies, "What would you prefer that I display?"
The man steps inside the door of the shop and asks the proprietor, "Excuse me, my watch has stopped working. I wonder if you can repair it for me?"
The proprietor looks up from his desk and says, "What are you talking about? I'm not a watchmaker--I'm a Mohel. I perform circumcisions."
Confused, the gentleman asks, "Well then why do you have so many watches and clocks in your window?"
The Mohel calmly replies, "What would you prefer that I display?"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A school Secretary is filling out forms for the new admissions and she is dealing with a little boy . "Can you tell me what your Father does for a living ?" the school secretary asks . "He's a magician," said the small boy. "How interesting! What's his favourite trick? "Sawing people in half." "Really? Now, next question. Do you have any brothers or sisters?" the lady asks "Yes, one half brother and two half-sisters."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A man buys a lie detecting robot that slaps people when they lie, so he decides to try it out at dinner.
He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."
The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an adult film."
His father snorts and says, "When I was your age we didn't even know what pornography was!" This time the robot slaps the father
The mother sips her coffee and retorts, "Ha! Well he's your son, after all," and the robot slaps her.
He asks his son, "Did you go to school today?" The son replies, "Yes," and the robot slaps him. The son says, "Alright, I went to the movies."
The father asks, "What did you see?" and the son replies, "Toy Story 4." The robot slaps him again, and the son says, "Okay, okay! It was an adult film."
His father snorts and says, "When I was your age we didn't even know what pornography was!" This time the robot slaps the father
The mother sips her coffee and retorts, "Ha! Well he's your son, after all," and the robot slaps her.
imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
An elderly was unknowingly driving the wrong way up a one way street. A policeman stops her and asks her where she was going. "I don't really know" said the woman, "but I think I'm late. Everyone seems to be on the way back"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
I went to visit my grandad yesterday and I found him strangely cutting Viagra tablets in half
I asked him “Why are you cutting Viagra tablets in half grandad, they won’t work if you cut them in half”
He replied , “Todd, I’m 94 years old, your grandma was the only woman I ever slept with god rest her soul”
So I again asked “Why do you need half a Viagra tablet then?”
He replied “ Well I just need to take enough so that I don’t pee on my slippers”
I asked him “Why are you cutting Viagra tablets in half grandad, they won’t work if you cut them in half”
He replied , “Todd, I’m 94 years old, your grandma was the only woman I ever slept with god rest her soul”
So I again asked “Why do you need half a Viagra tablet then?”
He replied “ Well I just need to take enough so that I don’t pee on my slippers”