jokes bad or otherwise.

A bus load of blind people were on a day trip and the bus driver starts getting tired...

He says to the blind people, "I'm pretty knackered. I'm going to stop at the next pub for a bite to eat and a drink, what are you all going to do?"

One of them replies, "No worries, we'll have a little game of football." "Football?!" The driver cries, "But you're all blind!"

The blind guy says "No, it's simple.The ball has bells inside and we can hear where it goes and we can have a kick about" And with that, the bus driver pulls into a pub, has a bite to eat and a drink.

When he comes out, there are paramedics and ambulances and police cars everywhere. The bus driver says, "What the hell has been going on here?"

One of the policemen turns around and shouts, "You would never would have guessed it!! A bus load of blind people jump out kicked the living daylights out of these Morris dancers!
 
Heard a Doctor on TV say to get through the boredom of self isolation we should finish things we start and thus have more calm in our lives.

So I looked through the house to find all the things I’ve started but hadn't finished...so I finished off a bottle of Merlot, a bottle of Chardonnay, a bodle of Baileys, a butle of wum, tha mainder of Valiumun srciptuns, an a box a chocletz.



Yu haf no idr how %£#@& fablus I feel rye now.
 
Ten years ago, Herman James was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair.

On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked out seven of his teeth.

On the third day, the Army issued him with sports clothing and an athletic support. The Military Police and Army has been searching for Herman for 10 years.:oops:
 
I was at a bar one night when I heard the most amazing rendition of “Free Bird” and Led Zeppelin's Black Dog being played. I headed to the stage and to my surprise I found my local magistrate behind the guitar & on the mic.

I was so impressed that I hired him to play my wedding, but he insisted on playing his original music which was just terrible.

Just goes to show, never book a judge by his covers .:08::fp:
 
THIS IS A BIT RISQUE ,I WILL REMOVE IF ANYONE IS OFFENDED AND APOLOGISE BUT I JUST LAUGHED OUT LOUD WHEN I HEARD IT AND THOUGHT IT WOULD PROVIDE SOME AMUSEMENT.


Two priests step into the communal shower, when they notice there's no soap. One says, "I'll go to my room and get two bars." He runs naked to the room, grabs the bars, but as he's running back, three nuns show up. Not knowing what else to do, he freezes like a statue...

The nuns look at the statue and say, "Such a beautiful figure, perfectly shaped!"

One of them, admiring its "toy soldier" decides do pull it.

The priest's reaction to the enormous pain makes him drop one of the soap bars, but he holds his pose.

The nun conclude then, that it's no statue, it's actually is a soap machine!!

The second nun happily does exactly the same and the priest drops the second bar of soap.

The third nun pulls it once. Nothing. Pulls it twice. Nothing. Pulls it thrice. Nothing. Pulls it again and again and again.

And finally, marveling, she says, "Lord be praised! It also gives shower gel!!"
:oops::08:
 
I was walking down the street when I was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked me for a couple of dollars for dinner.

I took out my wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked,"If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" I asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said.."I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on hunting equipment?" I asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't gone hunting in 20 years!"

"Well," I said, "I'm not going to give you money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a shower and a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that?

I replied, "Don't worry about that. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he had been forced to give up drinking, fishing and hunting."
 
Paul, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Fred Couples so, seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the missus.

Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret, at age 83, looked him over and replied "Nope."

Frustrated Paul stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again, he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?"

Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Paul, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down tomorrow."

Furious, Paul yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES!" Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, " Maybe you should have bought a new hat ! "
 
A man pushes his car into a garage and asks the mechanic to look at why it wont start.
He takes a seat in the waiting area and after a few minutes the mechanic reappears and say "All done!"
The man says "That was quick!" "Whats the story with it ?"
The mechanic says "Just crap in the carburettor !"
"Oh " says the man "How often do I have to do that ?" :eek2:
 
Two carpenters are fixing a barn roof then the wind blows their ladder over. "Oh great," says the first one, "How are we supposed to get down?"

"Well," replies the second one, "I'll go to this end and look for a way down, and you can go to the opposite end and search as well."

"Ok," replies the first carpenter as he goes to investigate his end of the barn. He looks around but sees nothing close enough for him to climb on to get down from the roof. As he's searching, he sees the second carpenter walking past on the ground.

The first carpenter calls out, "Hey, how did you get down?"

The second carpenter looks up and says, "I jumped in a pile of manure on the other side. It's about ankle-deep!"

So the first carpenter hurries to the other side and jumps in the pile of manure and lands up to his neck in it.

He climbs out, disgusted, and catches up to the second carpenter asking, "Why did you tell me it was ankle deep? I landed in a pile of manure up to my neck!"

The second carpenter blinks and says, "well if you had only dived in head first!"
 
Vicar answers the phone.
"Aahhh, good morning Mr Demmick, I have checked my diary and I am pleased to tell you that I can baptize your daughter as you requested a week on Sunday. I hope you don't mind me mentioning this sir but may I recommend that you change the name with which you have chosen to christen your daughter. With the present problems, I think that you may see a few raised eyebrows if you carry on with your original choice of Pam".
 
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