jokes bad or otherwise.

This is a little "Oh Matron"


A guy walks into a bar and orders a cocktail

The bartender spends a minute measuring and pouring ingredients, and when he’s done he takes a spoon out of his shirt pocket, stirs the drink, and hands it to the guy.

The guy takes a sip and then asks the bartender: “do you always carry a spoon in your shirt pocket?”

The bartender replies, “Funny you should ask! The owner hired an efficiency consultant recently to help us streamline things around here. One of his ideas was for the bar staff to always carry a spoon on our person. That way we don’t have to walk to the other end of the bar to get one every time we need to stir a drink.”

The guy is suitably impressed. He has a few more drinks before he notices that the bartender also has a string coming out the fly of his jeans. He’s a little drunk by now so he asks the bartender, “Hey, what’s with the string coming out of your fly?”

The bartender laughs and says, “Good eye! That’s actually from the efficiency consultant too. Basically, it’s tied to my willy so that when go to take a pee, I can just pull my willy out with the string and then I don’t have to spend a minute washing my hands. Time is money, after all.”

The guy thinks about this for a little while. Eventually he says to the bartender, “There’s one thing I don’t understand. I can see how you’d use the string to pull it out and hold it while you’re taking a pee , but how do you get it back in when you’re done?”

To this the bartender replies, “Well, I can’t speak for the rest of the staff but I just use a spoon.”
 
A traveling salesman, caught in a torrential rainstorm, stopped overnight at a farmhouse.

In the morning, he looked out on the flood coursing through the front yard. He watched pieces of fence, chicken coops, branches, and an old straw hat floating past with the current.

Then he saw the straw hat come back, upstream past the house. Then he saw it go down again. Pretty soon it came back upstream and by now the salesman wondered if he had gone crazy. Finally, he called out to the farmer’s daughter.

She glanced out of the window and said, "Oh, that must be Grandpa. He said yesterday that come hell or high water he was going to mow the lawn today."
 
OLD ONE.........................What did Long John Silver say at his 80th birthday party ?
AYE MATEY! :08: :eyesroll:
 
A poor cowboy needs a horse.

He buys the only horse he could afford, one that has its commands messed up.

"He'll go when you say 'whoa!' and stop when you say 'giddy up!'" instructs the seller.

The cowboy sets off riding the horse, feeling silly for saying 'whoa'. As he rides further, he sees an upcoming cliff. He commands the horse to stop by saying 'whoa' but the horse only picks up speed.

Panicking, the cowboy scream "WHOA!" but the horse only goes into a full gallop. Then the cowboy remembers and tries saying "giddy up!"

The horse comes to a complete stop mere inches from the edge of the cliff.

The cowboy brushes the sweat from his forehead saying "Whoa that was a close shaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaave."
 
A wife decides to take her husband, Dave, to a strip club for his birthday.

They arrive at the club and the doorman says, "Hey, Dave! How ya doing?"

His wife is puzzled and asks if hes been to this club before.

"Oh no," says Dave. "He's on my bowling team."

When they are seated, a waitress asks Dave if he'd like his usual and brings over a Budweiser.

His wife is becoming increasingly uncomfortable and says,"How did she know that you drink Budweiser?"

"She's in the Ladies Bowling League, honey. We share lanes with them."

A stripper then comes over to their table, throws her arms around Dave, and says "Hi Davey. Want your usual table dance, big boy?"

Dave's wife, now furious, grabs her purse and storms out of the club.

Dave follows and spots her getting into a cab. Before she can slam the door, he jumps in beside her.

He tries desperately to explain how the stripper must have mistaken him for someone else, but his wife is having none of it.

She is screaming at him at the top of her lungs, calling him every name in the book.

The cabby turns his head and says, "Looks like you picked up a real nasty piece of work tonight, Dave.
 
I have 'borrowed' this from The Register
[STOLEN JOKE]
A shepherd is minding her sheep on a hill one day when a swanky executive car makes its way gingerly down the lane nearby. It comes to a halt and the mirrored electric window rolls down, through which can be seen a complex dashboard of flashing lights and controls. A man sticks his head out and calls to the shepherd, complaining about the stupid sat-nav and lack of road signs, and asking for directions.

The shepherd tells the man how to get back onto the correct route, and makes a joke about relying too much on technology to follow what should have been a straight road.

Not wanting to leave with his tail between his legs, the man in the car proposes a bet: if he can use the tech in his car to calculate the precise number of sheep in her entire flock spread across the hill, would she let him take away one of the sheep as a prize?

Of course, she says.

The driver then pulls out a laptop and erects a mini satellite dish, and calls upon all manner of satellite photography and fractal chaos calculation apps to determine the size of the flock. Five minutes later, he has the answer. And the shepherd confirms he is correct!

She lets him pick a sheep to take, which he duly hauls into the enormous boot of the car. As he does this, the shepherd proposes a counter-bet: if she can guess what he does for a living, she wins her sheep back again. He agrees. Why not?

She tells him he is a management consultant. Fair enough, he replies, right first time. But how did she guess?

"You've over-specified the vehicle you need for your journey but thought it looked good. You don't know where you are going or where you have come from, but you blame other people for this. You chose to waste expensive technology to tell me how many sheep I have – something that I already know and would have been happy to tell you too for free if you'd asked. But most of all, you blindly accepted a challenge about which you know absolutely nothing.

"Now, can I have my dog back?"
[JOKE ENDS]
Click to expand...
 
While many complain about life in general and the cost of living etc, I am sitting on a sofa that costs £3,500, lovely and cool in front of an air-conditioning unit costing £2,300, watching the latest film on a 70" smart TV that costs £4,000!!
Right now, I'm happy, with no worries and not a care in the world, not even the employees at Currys who keep asking me to leave can spoil my day
 
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