jokes bad or otherwise.

[Roger]

I ordered four Kindles from Amazon but they sent me a Two Ronnies DVD.

 

[Barrychuckle]

I went to Buckingham Palace to cut Prince William's hair. I said to the policeman, 'Can you let me in to the car park, I'm here to cut Prince William's hair?' The policeman said 'Have you got a permit?' - I said, 'No, just a bit off the back

 

[Roger]

I dreamt I was drowning in an ocean of orange soda, but it was just a Fanta sea.

 

[onyx(John)]

 

[Roger]

I walked into a bar the other day and ordered a double, the barman brought out a bloke who looked just like me.

 

[captain clutterbuck]

The Circus is in town and a showman goes into the bar and asks for a pint of beer. After a couple of beers he says would you like to see my dancing duck . The Barman intrigued says yep so the man takes the duck from its cage , upturns a shiny silver bucket on the bar , puts the duck on top and they wait a few minutes nothing , the barman goes off and serves another fella . When he returns the duck is tap dancing like Fred Astaire . The bartender thinks its great and offers him a thousand pound for it which the man readily accepts.

A couple of days later having posted an event starring the duck the pub is packed . The barman duly produces the duck puts the bucket on the bar and places the duck on top . Ten minutes in nothing . To a cheer of boos the people leave in their droves . Angry the barman storms across to the circus grabs the guy who sold it and demands his money back . "I turned the bucket up on the bar , put the duck on it , ten minutes , nothing"

"Ah" the showman replies " but did you remember to put the lighted candle under the bucket"

 

[Barrychuckle]

A penguin walks into a bar and asks the bartender, “Have you seen my brother?” The bartender says, “I don't know..." "What does he look like?”

 

[Roger]

The worst pub I’ve ever been in was called The Fiddle. It was a vile inn.

 

[Barrychuckle]

I was asked to play a part in a surrealist play about a kettle, I was offered the lead role!

 

[Roger]

Jokes about white sugar are rare, but jokes about brown sugar, demarara.

 

[Onslow]

I submitted several entries to a pun-writing contest and awaited to see if I won an award. None in ten did.

 

[Onslow]

I did this all wrong. Let me try again.

I submitted several entries to a pun-writing contest and awaited to see if I won an award. No pun in ten did.

 

[Barrychuckle]

I did this all wrong. Let me try again.

I submitted several entries to a pun-writing contest and awaited to see if I won an award. No pun in ten did.

Glad you clarified Onslow I read your original joke several time and just thought I was thick for not getting the joke, I do now

 

[Roger]

How do you confuse a Scottish Doctor? Tell him you have 'knee problems'.

 

[Barrychuckle]

I saw a bargain the other day, a TV set for £1. Only problem was the volume
control which was stuck on full. Come on, how can you turn that down?

 

[Roger]

I phoned the local ramblers club today but the bloke who answered just went on and on.

 

[Barrychuckle]

What's the difference between a kangaroo and a kangaroot?
One's an animal found in Australia and the other is a Geordie stuck in a lift.

 

[Roger]

To the person who stole my glasses. I will find you. I have contacts.

 

[Barrychuckle]

A man came up to me and cut the bottom of my trouser leg off and sent it to the library. So that was a turn-up for the books

 

[Roger]

To that thief that took my anti depressant pills, I hope you're happy now!