jokes bad or otherwise.

[captain clutterbuck]

2 Cars are in a head on collision,,

A man crawls out of the first car and a woman crawls out of the second,

"Wow" she says "both cars are write offs but neither of us has a scratch!"

" Look here as well, this bottle of wine is unbroken. I think we deserve a drink"

" I'm game" said the man

"Go ahead" she said" you first."

He drinks deeply and is just going to hand the bottle back when she says "no thankyou!"
" Dont you want any?" he said

" I think I'll just wait for the police! "she said.

One of his first posts on this thread which he made his own

 

[Barrychuckle]

One of his first posts on this thread which he made his own

I sadly joined this site too late to 'meet' George who started this thread. He too seemed a true fan who's posts I've loved to read over the years.

 

[Barrychuckle]

I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays

 

[Roger]

I bought a Womble pepper grinder today, it’s rubbish, everything is either underground or overground.

 

[Barrychuckle]

I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again

 

[Roger]

Some bloke just said he was going to attack me with the neck of a guitar. I said, “Is that a fret?”

 

[Roger]

I bought a cheap wig this morning, it was a small price toupee.

 

[Bora Natty]

I saw a picture of Elton John this past week, and it looks like he's put on weight, I guess that means, goodbye normal jeans..

 

[Roger]

I saw my neighbour slumped over the lawn mower crying his eyes out, he said he’d just been through a rough patch.

 

[captain clutterbuck]

Rather risque but not blue

I went to the pub the other day and my friend was slumped over his pint really on a downer. I asked what was wrong.

" It's my grandad he's passed away he was our rock taught me everything I know, always loyal to my grandma, tipped up his wages religiously on Friday, even made love to her, always on a Sunday, without fail until he died . I think it was something to do with the rhythm of the church bells and he would have still been alive today if that bloody Mr Whippy van hadn't of rocked up outside his house!!" Oh Matron !

 

[Barrychuckle]

Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my grandad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.

 

[imitation700mb]

What price do roof slates cost? Nothing, they're on the house!

I won't tell you about the blunt pencil. There's no point.

 

[Roger]

I got a new job installing mirrors. It was something I could always see myself doing.

 

[captain clutterbuck]

I think a lot of people on here would have grown up with Steve Jobs, Johnny Cash and Bob Hope as huge celebrities now there are no jobs, no cash and no hope . Let's hope Kevin Bacon remains safe and well.

 

[Roger]

I just got sacked from my job at the clock factory, apparently I wasn’t putting enough hours in.

 

[Barrychuckle]

I really like driverless cars. In fact the other day I saw a whole car park of them!

 

[Adrian Morris]

I just got sacked from my job at the clock factory, apparently I wasn’t putting enough hours in.

Sounds like a wind up to me.

 

[Adanor]

Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry or a Turkish kebab on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of anything foreign.

And let's not be oblivious of the fact that once upon a time, the Queen of France was also the Queen of England and she spoke not a word of English.

 

[captain clutterbuck]

Sitting watching the match I heard a sheer scream of delight from upstairs from my wife followed by the words "I have been through my wardrobe and you won't believe it I found something that I have had for 30 years and it still fits!!" Curious and during a lull in the game I wondered upstairs but sadly I had to break the news to my wife that it may be 30 years old but it was a Scarf!!

 

[Roger]

The police have just rang to inform me that they’ve recovered my stolen sofa. That was nice of them, it was starting to look a bit tatty.