jokes bad or otherwise.

An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back. It was properly shaped for swimming, so he fixed it up nice with picnic tables, horseshoe courts, and some orange, and lime trees.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. He grabbed a five-gallon bucket to bring back some fruit.

As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!' The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked..

Holding the bucket up, he said, 'I'm here to feed the alligator.'
 
My mate walked up to me in the pub last night and said, "Who's the girl sitting in the corner with duct tape across her mouth?"
"That's my new girlfriend." I replied.
"Really?" he said, "You've kept that one quiet.
 
Apparently if your girlfriend or wife ever says "if anything happens to me, I want you to meet someone new...."
"anything" doesn't include getting stuck in traffic.
 
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I was so down that I bought a bunch of lucky heather from a Gypsy for £5.
I felt so lucky that I decided to bet everything I own on the 3:30 at Sandown.
Unfortunately the bookie wouldn't accept £5 worth of lucky heather.
 
Our marriage guidance counsellor told my wife that I need help to re-build my self confidence.
So she told me that some women are really attracted to fat ugly men.
 
If genius really is 1% inspiration, and 99% perspiration, there were a lot of geniuses on the bus today.
 
My wife keeps leaving magazines lying around with the jewelry ads circled.
I got the hint.
For her birthday she's getting a magazine rack
 
What a job, peel the potatoes, slice the potatoes, batter the potatoes and then fry the potatoes.
I just feel my life is frittering away.
 
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