jokes bad or otherwise.

A 55-year-old widow went out on a blind date with a 65-year-old man. Returning to her daughter's house around 10:30, she seemed quiet and upset. "What happened?" asked the daughter. "I had to slap his face three times." "You mean...?" began her daughter, "Yes," she answered, "he fell asleep three times!"
 
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's
supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce.
The boy working in that department told him that they only sold
whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the
manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old
ba**ard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man
was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy," I was impressed with the way
you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who
can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby
players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
 
If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father's Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who's Everything?
 
The instructions read, "Take one pill, three times a day." How am I supposed to do that? Tie a string to it?
 
A woman was having her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond earrings and necklace, a big emerald ring, and a gold brooch with rubies."

"But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied.

"I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife should go crazy looking for the jewellry."
 
A duel was fought between Alexander Shott and John Nott in June 1849. Nott was shot and Shott was not. In this case it is better to be Shott than Nott. Some said that Nott was not shot. But Shott says that he shot Nott. It may be that the shot Shott shot, shot Nott, or it may be possible that the shot Shott shot, shot Shott himself. We think, however, that the shot Shott shot, shot not Shott, but Nott. Anyway it is hard to tell which was shot and which was not.
 
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My grandsons first joke ( So you all better laugh, I had to, hundreds of times)

Why do ants work so hard?

Because their not Uncles


;D
 
I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
 
Must try this one out on my doctor one day:

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Love the picture of the twins! I bet they are a hand full.

My daugter's first joke was...

Why is 6 afraid of 7?


Because 7 ate(8) 9?

I thought it was cute!

Loved it Big Unc!
 
Wayne Rooney was grumbling about his position. Left side , right side or centre?? :confused: :13:
Roy Hodgeson said " For pete's sake Wayne , we're on the plane home. Just pick a seat!! >:( :46:
 
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