jokes bad or otherwise.

[captain clutterbuck]

Sad news today , the Pillsbury Dough boy died yesterday of a yeast infection and traumatic stomach issues after being poked there for many years. He is survived by his wife Play and children John and Jane. The Service will be held at the local crematorium at 350 for twenty minutes.

 

[Roger]

This man was about to throw dough, cheese, and tomatoes at me. I said, "You wanna pizza me?"

 

[captain clutterbuck]

It's being reported by BBC News in Wales that the founder of Dulux paints has been found dead after perishing on the top of Mount Snowdon . Police believe , given the freezing temperatures , he needed another Coat.

 

[captain clutterbuck]

Mick Miller Special
First job was in a travelling circus didn't have an act but I was the only one who could pack the tent in a bag. We had some great acts . The Human Cannonball , he was on £100 a performance plus mileage I only saw him once . We had two great trampolinists from Prague the Bouncing Czechs . The first act on was an incontinent Trapeze artist , he used to warm up the crowd.

 

[imitation700mb]

You know you are the oldest person in the room, when you realise you have had more birthdays than everyone else.

 

[onyx(John)]

I was going to tell a time travelling joke, but you didn't like it.

 

[theatrically_inclined]

I was going to tell a time travelling joke, but you didn't like it.

I'd heard that one before...

 

[Roger]

At the barbers today, I asked to have my hair cut like Tom Cruise, so he gave me a cushion to sit on.

 

[maltrab]

My wife has been on eBay for two days, if she is still on there tomorrow I will reduce the price

 

[Pearl]

My wife has been on eBay for two days, if she is still on there tomorrow I will reduce the price

That's just titfortat because she's reduced your price so low I just accepted £40 from her to take you off her hands. I'll pick you and the money up tomorrow about 10 bring your rubber gloves these windows need cleaning.

 

[Barrychuckle]

I’ve found a great way to keep energy bills down… a paper clip.

 

[onyx(John)]

How many cold callers does it take to change a lightbulb?
Only one, but he has to do it while you're eating dinner.

 

[maltrab]

My password has been hacked again, that's three times I have had to rename my dog

 

[Barrychuckle]

I watched a really scary documentary today about the dangers of alcohol so I vowed from now on, I'll never watch that sort of programme again.....

 

[onyx(John)]

One of George's.
Texting this from A &E, Turns out that the Dyson ball cleaner is not what I expected it to be........

 

[Barrychuckle]

I sold my guitar to a bloke with no arms recently. I asked him how it was going to work, he replied, 'I'm going to play it by ear'

 

[captain clutterbuck]

Really sad news from the Circus today the female contortionist has suddenly passed away mid act , sadly she died in her own arms tonight.

 

[Barrychuckle]

I was sat in a restaurant and got hit on the back of the head by a prawn cocktail! I looked round and this bloke shouts, "That's just for starters!"

 

[captain clutterbuck]

Paddy goes into a shop and he finds a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it.
" Bejesas what the hell is that !! I better phone the Police "
He Phones "Hello I'm in Murphy's and there's a sandwich with two wires sticking out of it"
The Policeman " Is it tickin?"
Paddy " No I think its roast beef and mustard"

 

[imitation700mb]

How does How does St. George see in the dark?
He has knight-vision goggles!