As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil three times a day.
Lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
Lucky my older brother told me about it, really.
jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
- Start date
mashibinbin
Dedicated Member
Put it on the table, chuck it over someones face or simply tip it on the floor, it's still water.
mashibinbin
Dedicated Member
Even I won't go into the bad taste of soiling yourself punnery.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A lady takes her pet duck Cuddles to the vet , its unconscious in her arms . The Vet takes a look and apologetically tells the lady so so sorry but I'm afraid Cuddles has passed away. The Lady distraught says "Perhaps he is just in a Coma or deep sleep" . The Vet gets up and leaves the room and returns with a black labrador which gets up on its hind legs and nudges and sniffs the duck , drops down with sad eyes and shakes its head mournfully.
The Vet takes the dog away and returns with a tabby cat which promptly jumps up on the table padding around the duck and sniffing it . It jumps off the table soulfully miaows and shakes its head.
The lady tearfully accepts that Cuddles has passed so the Vet carefully places cuddles in a box for the lady to bury Cuddles with dignity and hands her his bill . "What!!" the lady exclaims "£1500 to tell me my duck has dies outrageous!!" "Well" the Vet says " If you'd trusted my judgement the bill would have been £50 but with the Lab report and Cat Scan I have to charge you £1500"
The Vet takes the dog away and returns with a tabby cat which promptly jumps up on the table padding around the duck and sniffing it . It jumps off the table soulfully miaows and shakes its head.
The lady tearfully accepts that Cuddles has passed so the Vet carefully places cuddles in a box for the lady to bury Cuddles with dignity and hands her his bill . "What!!" the lady exclaims "£1500 to tell me my duck has dies outrageous!!" "Well" the Vet says " If you'd trusted my judgement the bill would have been £50 but with the Lab report and Cat Scan I have to charge you £1500"
About a month before my grandfather died, we covered his back in lard - after that he went downhill very quickly.........
mashibinbin
Dedicated Member
He then popped into Auntie Wainwrights - he was a slippery customer alright!
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
I've been keeping myself fit done a bit of boxing had my first cage fight last week .
The Parrot is still at the Vets
The Parrot is still at the Vets
What do you call a nun on a washing machine?
Sister Matic!
Sister Matic!
mashibinbin
Dedicated Member
Take it to Clutterbuck's boxing club for some bouts, then you'll have a proper hard drive
mashibinbin
Dedicated Member
I heard she left some change in her wimple after putting it in for spin, next thing you know she's arrested for money laundering!
imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
I couldn't find my scraper to clear the car windows this morning, so I used a store discount card from my wallet. I only got 10% off!
mashibinbin
Dedicated Member
What a way to scrape a living!
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
I went to a Slimming World meeting yesterday and accidentally dropped a whole xl bag of m and m's on the floor , it was the best game of Hungry Hippos I have ever seen.
I'll borrow this joke from the great Les Dawson...
The wife is so big that when she wants to pass her handbag from one hand to another she has to throw it!
The wife is so big that when she wants to pass her handbag from one hand to another she has to throw it!