jokes bad or otherwise.

"Sorry I'm late home," I said as I arrived back from work.
"Some bloke had lost a £20 note in Tesco."
"Were you helping him look for it?" asked my wife.
"No, I was standing on it."
 
I went to a little Italian on the high street last night...
...and said, "Where's the best place to get a pizza, shorty?"
 
I went for a job interview with British Rail today and the manager said, "Can you explain why you are 2 hours late?"
I replied, "Sorry about that, but there was a leaf on my driveway."
 
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Puns for those with a slightly higher IQ.

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine .

A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

Shotgun wedding - A case of wife or death.

A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

Condoms should be used on every conceivable occasion.

Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

A bicycle can't stand on its own because it is two tired.

What's the definition of a will?
(It's a dead give away.)

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

In democracy your vote counts.
In feudalism your count votes.

She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist, you'll get repossessed.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

Every calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted - taint yours and taint mine.

A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture is a jab well done.
 
A friend said I should try online dating, then I'll be able to find someone just like me.
Personally, I don't want to date an ugly fat bloke
 
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