jokes bad or otherwise.

I was arrested yesterday for Shoplifting, The Officer said, "You are being charged with Stealing Two Bottles of Wine".
I said, "You can't Charge me for Stealing Two Bottles!"
Officer, "Why not?"
"It was buy one get one free!" I replied
 
I planted a tree in my garden with my grandson. "When I am gone you can come to this tree and you will be reminded of me." I said to him.

"Why granddad?" He replied, "will it give me money?"
 
I bumped into my mate and his young daughter earlier:
"And what do you do in your spare time?" I asked her.
"I play othello" she replied.
"Is that the game with black and white counters?" I said.
No, you tother" she replied, "it'th a thtringed inthrument."
 
If my experience with women has taught me anything,
it's that Jack was most likely pushed down the hill.
 
I've just been to a pet shop and asked the bloke whether I should give my dog a tin of Pedigree Chum or a bone.
He said "What's the dog's name?"
I said "Nic Nac Paddy Whack"
 
.....and for my 5,000th post,

My neon paint shop is going out of business.
I'm having an 'Everything Must Glow' sale.
 
Congratulations George! I always enjoy checking out the new joke for the day. Thank you! :respect:
 
It was very hard to give Che Guevara Christmas presents,
every time you'd say "To Che" it would end up in a sword fight.
 
I'm not worried about the plane loads of Bulgarian and Romanian immigrants coming to England to claim benefits.
It's the plane from Australia with people on that claim they can play cricket I'm more concerned about.
 
George said:
I'm not worried about the plane loads of Bulgarian and Romanian immigrants coming to England to claim benefits.
It's the plane from Australia with people on that claim they can play cricket I'm more concerned about.
Click to expand...
I'm grinding my teeth George >:( >:( :me:
 
I said to the funeral director, "Will it cost extra to bury my wife?"
He said, "Why, is she a big woman?"
I said, "No, still alive."
 
Having my ears syringed is one of the most painful things I've ever had done.
I can hear my wife perfectly now.
 
THE chap in the Glasgow pub last night told his fellow topers: "Did you see that it was so cold in Northern America that the town of Hell froze over?"

"I'm away home then," announced one of his pals. "You'll never guess what the wife promised me if that ever happened."
 
I'll run this one by you and see how many of you get it;


BUSINESS Secretary Vince Cable visited defence firm Thales in Govan yesterday where he tried out the latest target locator for British troops that Thales makes, the Sophie Lite.
We like to think that Vince, a former Glasgow councillor, picked it up and asked what it was called. "Sophie Lite," he was told.
"Yes, I know - but what's it called?"
 
SOME folk can be so cutting. A reader in Glasgow's Buchanan Street saw two young girls watch a chap walk past who was wearing a turtle neck jumper. Very smart he looked too. It was probably a Christmas present. However, that didn't stop one of the girls telling her pal: "Did you see that bald guy in that jumper? He looked like a roll-on deodorant."
 
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