jokes bad or otherwise.

So Lance Armstrong's amazing performances were all down to drugs eh?
I am now wondering about Ernie the fastest milkman in the west.
 
My elderly neighbour was scraping the ice off her car this morning, so I went out there and said, "Would you like me to do that?"
"Yes please," she replied.
So I started scraping the ice off my car.
 
I'm sick of people laughing at me because of my lack of intelligence.
They won't be laughing so much when the air guitar I brought off eBay for fifty quid comes through the post.
 
Zeus: "I need the toilet. Could you hold this for a minute?"
Atlas: "Yeah, mate. No problem."
1000 years later...
Atlas: "Swine."
 
A fella had a go at the woman in the shop today for refusing to serve him cigarettes, "I'm 19 years old for crying out loud!!"
"I know," she said, "but you've only got eighteen pence."
 
Tesco are giving treble points on your Clubcard for all burgers and petrol, starting Monday.
The deal is called Only Fuel and Horses.
 
‎"Have you ever seen a twenty pound note all crumpled up?" asked the wife.

"No," I said.

She gave me a sexy little smile, reached into her cleavage and pulled out a crumpled twenty pound note.

"Have you ever seen a fifty pound note all crumpled up?" she asked.

"No," I said.

She gave me another sexy little smile, reached into her knickers and pulled out a crumpled fifty pound note.

"Now," she said, "have you ever seen 30,000 pounds all crumpled up?"

"No," I said, intrigued.

"Well, go and take a quick look in the garage."
 
My mate's got a part in a play. He has to fall through a trapdoor.
He won't make a career of it. It's just a stage he's going through
 
Heard in a Glasgow hostelry - " Ma wife is the double of Kate Moss. Kate Moss is eight stone and ma wife is sixteen!"
 
Mcdonald's have just sacked their commercial director over the Tesco horse burger sales.
They wanted to know why he didn't think of it first.
 
My wife said, "if you had to compare me to a TV programme, what would it be?"
"Probably Hollyoaks" I replied.
"Mmmm... 'cos it's sexy, naughty and a bit edgy?" she giggled.
"No" I said, "because I don't want it turned on while I'm in the house."
 
"You're paranoid", said the doc.
"You're the 10th doctor to tell me that", I replied,"you're all in this together, aren't you?"
 
Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders.

Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.
 
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