jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
- Start date
J
John
Guest
The Daily Express says snowstorm Nemo is coming to Britain.... I get this vision of Snow covered Citroen Nemos falling from the sky...
Adanor
Dedicated Member
I love Andy Capp
Andy Capp is still running? I haven't seen that strip in years!!
J
John
Guest
Scottish Joke
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a chubby, grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm Alex Salmond.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Salmond.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Scottish Nationalists," answered Suzy with a smile.
Salmond was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognising the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Salmond should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from STV, BBC, and CNN.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Salmond got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Scottish Labour."
Taken by surprise, the Salmond stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were SCOTTISH NATIONALISTS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
A pretty little girl named Suzy was standing on the pavement in front of her home.
Next to her was a basket containing a number of tiny creatures; in her hand was a sign announcing FREE KITTENS.
Suddenly a line of big black cars pulled up beside her. Out of the lead car stepped a chubby, grinning man.
"Hi there little girl, I'm Alex Salmond.
What do you have in the basket?" he asked.
"Kittens," little Suzy said.
"How old are they?" asked Salmond.
Suzy replied, "They're so young, their eyes aren't even open yet."
"And what kind of kittens are they?"
"Scottish Nationalists," answered Suzy with a smile.
Salmond was delighted. As soon as he returned to his car, he called his PR chief and told him about the little girl and the kittens.
Recognising the perfect photo op, the two men agreed that the Salmond should return the next day; and in front of the assembled media, have the girl talk about her discerning kittens.
So the next day, Suzy was again standing on the pavement with her basket of "FREE KITTENS" when another motorcade pulled up, this time followed by vans from STV, BBC, and CNN.
Cameras and audio equipment were quickly set up, then Salmond got out of his limo and walked over to little Suzy.
"Hello, again," he said, "I'd love it if you would tell all my friends out there what kind of kittens you're giving away."
"Yes sir," Suzy said. "They're Scottish Labour."
Taken by surprise, the Salmond stammered, "But...but...yesterday, you told me they were SCOTTISH NATIONALISTS."
Little Suzy smiled and said, "I know.
But today, they have their eyes open."
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
"Do you love me with all your heart and soul?" asked Becky on Valentines Day.
"Mmm hmm," replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
"Mmm hmm," replied Dave.
"Do you think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Do you think my lips are like rose petals?"
"Mmm hmm."
"Oh Dave," gushed Becky, "you say the most beautiful things!"
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
VALENTINE'S GROANERS
Q. What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A. Stick with me and we'll go places!
Q. What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A. Hog and kisses!
Q. Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A. Sure, they're very scent-imental!
Q. What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A. "I'm sweet on you!"
Q. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A. "I find you very attractive."
Q. What did one pickle say to the other?
A. "You mean a great dill to me."
Q. What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A. "I love you a ton!"
Q. What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A. "You're fun to hang around with."
Q. Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A. He fell in love with a pin cushion!
Q. What did the pencil say to the paper?
A. "I dot my i's on you!"
Q. What did one light bulb say to the other?
A. "I love you a whole watt!"
Q. What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A. Ughs and kisses!
Q. What did the valentine card say to the stamp?
A. Stick with me and we'll go places!
Q. What do farmers give their wives on Valentine's Day?
A. Hog and kisses!
Q. Do skunks celebrate Valentine's Day?
A. Sure, they're very scent-imental!
Q. What did the chocolate syrup say to the ice cream?
A. "I'm sweet on you!"
Q. What did the paper clip say to the magnet?
A. "I find you very attractive."
Q. What did one pickle say to the other?
A. "You mean a great dill to me."
Q. What did the elephant say to his girlfriend?
A. "I love you a ton!"
Q. What did the bat say to his girlfriend?
A. "You're fun to hang around with."
Q. Did you hear about the nearsighted porcupine?
A. He fell in love with a pin cushion!
Q. What did the pencil say to the paper?
A. "I dot my i's on you!"
Q. What did one light bulb say to the other?
A. "I love you a whole watt!"
Q. What did the caveman give his wife on Valentine's Day?
A. Ughs and kisses!
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
What NOT To Give Her For Valentine's Day
1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the ones you liked
2. Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fibre" on the label.
3. Any household appliance, power tool or other similar item.
4. A gift certificate.
5. Cash.
6. Anything you could have bought at the petrol station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
7. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
1. A box of chocolates, clumsily rearranged in an attempt to hide the fact you ate all the ones you liked
2. Any food item with the words "diet," "light," or "high fibre" on the label.
3. Any household appliance, power tool or other similar item.
4. A gift certificate.
5. Cash.
6. Anything you could have bought at the petrol station mini-mart on the way over, even if you didn't.
7. An apologetic look and the words "That was today?"
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A tour bus arrived at Runnymede, England. The guide asked the tourists to
gather around and then said, "You are standing on the very spot where the
barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?"
"1215," the guide answered.
The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an
hour."
gather around and then said, "You are standing on the very spot where the
barons forced King John to sign the Magna Carta."
A man in the group asked, "When did that happen?"
"1215," the guide answered.
The tourist looked at his watch, "Rats!" he said, "Missed it by half an
hour."
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A fellow hosted a dinner party for people from work and everyone was encouraged to bring their children.
All during dinner one co-worker's tiny daughter stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her staring. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Sweetie, why are you staring at me?"
The table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"
All during dinner one co-worker's tiny daughter stared at the man sitting across from her.
The girl could hardly eat her food from staring.
The man checked his tie, felt his face for food, patted his hair in place, but nothing stopped her staring. He tried his best to just ignore her but finally it was too much for him. He asked her, "Sweetie, why are you staring at me?"
The table went quiet for her response.
The little girl said, "I just want to see how you drink like a fish!"