jokes bad or otherwise.

I'm not saying my mate's ugly, but in prison the other inmates made him shower alone in case he dropped the soap.
 
"What do we get from the hen?" asks the teacher.
"Eggs," says Little Susie.
"Good. And what do we get from the sheep?"
"Wool," says Little Susie.
"Good. And what do we get from the cow?"
"Homework," says Little Johnny.
 
Two horses standing in a field. One turns to the other and says,
'Here, watch this, when the blind farmer walks past I'm going to moo at him for a laugh'
And that's how the horse meat scandal started.
 
I found a suitcase in the park. When I opened it it had a false bottom and £100,000 in used notes.
I couldn't believe my luck.
All my life I've wanted a suitcase with a false bottom.
 
"Oh, master...tell me of fate."

"Ah, my son...it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours. It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time."

"And that, my master, is fate?"

"Oh, FATE! I thought you said FREIGHT."
 
A man stopped at a local petrol station and after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink.

He stood by his car to drink his cola and watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him and filled in the hole. While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the hole. The men worked right past the guy with the soft drink and went on down the road.

"I can't stand this," said the man tossing the can into a recycle container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men. "Can you tell me what's going on here with all this digging and refilling?"

"Well, we work for the government and we're just doing our job," one of the men said.

"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"

"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us: me, Greg and Matt. I dig the hole, Greg sticks in the tree, and Matt here puts the dirt back. Greg's job's been cut so now it's just me an' Matt."
 
My mate Dave was telling me he's bred a three-legged chicken.
"My daughter and the wife both like a leg, and so do I," he told me, "so I bred a chicken that feeds us all."
"That's amazing, Dave, just amazing," I said. "What's it taste like?"
"Dunno, we haven't been able to catch it yet."
 
• A cow walks into a bar. Barman says ‘why the long face?’ Cow says ‘Illegal ingredients, coming over here stealing our jobs!’
 
"Dad, can I have some money?" asked my 13-year-old son today as he headed for the door.
I said, "It depends, where are you going?"
"To see a girl." he replied,
"Oh yeah," I winked, handing him a tenner, "And who exactly is this girl?"
"She's the cashier in the shop where I buy my cigarettes." he replied.
 
I was watching a bloke fishing this morning and I said to him, "There's no way you'd catch me doing that."
"Why not?" He asked.
"Well for starters you'd need a much bigger hook."
 
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