jokes bad or otherwise.

At his request, each morning three-year-old Ray's mother pinned a bath towel to the back shoulders of his size two T-shirt. Immediately in his young imaginative mind the towel became a brilliant magic blue and red cape. And he became Superman.

Outfitted each day in his "cape," Ray's days were packed with adventure and daring escapades. He was Superman.

This fact was clearly pointed out last fall when his mother enrolled him in nursery. During the course of the interview, the teacher asked Ray his name.

"Superman," he answered politely and without pause.

The teacher smiled, cast an appreciative glance at his mother, and asked again, "Your real name, please."

Again, Ray answered, "Superman."

Realizing the situation demanded more authority, or maybe to hide amusement, the teacher closed her eyes for a moment, then in a voice quite stern, said, "I will have to have your real name for the records."

Sensing he'd have to play straight with the teacher, Ray slid his eyes around the room, hunched closer to her, and patting a corner of frayed towel at his shoulder, answered in a voice hushed with conspiracy, "Clark Kent."
 
Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.
 
A client brought a litter of Golden Retriever puppies to the local veterinary clinic for inoculations and worming.

As the look-alike pups squirmed over and under one another in their box, the experienced vet realized it would be difficult to tell which had been treated and which hadn't. The Vet turned on the tap, wet her fingers and moistened each dog's head as she finished giving each one the necessary shots.

After the fourth puppy, the vet noticed her hitherto talkative client had grown silent and was looking rather reverent.

As the animal doctor sprinkled the last pup's head, the owner leaned forward and whispered, "I didn't know they had to be baptised, too."
 
It's amazing how the power of music can transport us to certain places.
I went to my local chip shop and they were playing Justin Bieber's latest single.
I left and went somewhere else.
 
Two Cows in a field one said to the other :- MOOoooooo
The Other replied " Funny that's exactly what I was going to say !!"
 
My nan thought she would easily win the sock knitting competition in her village.
She was distraught when it finished as a tie.
 
Following the appointment of ex-BBC chairman Greg Dyke, the FA have confirmed that next season's Premiership will be a repeat.
 
As the mother-in-law tucked into dinner at our place, she noticed the dog at her feet wagging his tail.
"Oh bless, is he pleased to see me?" she giggled.
"No love, don't mind him!" I said. "It's just that you're eating off his plate."
 
Me and my wife were in town last night, when we passed a new restaurant.
My wife said, "Can you smell the food? The aroma is gorgeous."
I thought sod it, I'll treat her.
So we walked past the restaurant again
 
Apparently, you can only say "look at you! You got so big!" to children...
Old girlfriends tend to get offended.
 
I've worked every day for the last 20 years, getting up at five in the morning, grafting until six at night, to struggle to pay for fuel, to pay my mortgage and put food in the cupboard.
Today I was offered free heating, free accommodation and free cooked meals, with the added bonus that I wouldn't even have to work for it.
"I'll take it!" I shouted to the judge.
 
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