jokes bad or otherwise.

My wife's locked herself in the kitchen in a rage, after a massive argument over how miserable and tight I've become since we've been married.
She's in there now, ripping all the plates in half.
 
I was selling a snake on Ebay and a buyer rang me up asking how big it was.
" Huge " I said.

"How many feet ? he said.
" None " I said....." It's a snake!" :me:
 
I've just bought a new television with an home cinema package.
It comes complete with drinks to knock over with your elbow, popcorn to spill on the floor, and an annoying old woman who constantly coughs. '
 
Settled down to watch Obama at the Mandela gig with my deaf wife the other day.
Apparently, Space Shuttle Atlantis is due to have a baby next buffalo.
 
My husband works in the fuels squadron at an Air Force base, and many of his co-workers complain about the superior attitude of the pilots.

One day the fuel guys decided to put things in perspective for the proud pilots. They all came to work wearing shirts inscribed, "Without fuel, pilots are pedestrians."
 
Trying to do my share to help the environment, I set up a trash basket at the office and posted above it this suggestion: "Empty water bottles here."

I should have been a little more specific, because when I went to check it later, I didn't find any bottles in it. But it was full of water.
 
[size=14pt]CHRISTMAS KNOCK-KNOCKS[/size]

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Snow
Snow who?
Snow business like show business!


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Wayne
Wayne who?
Wayne in a manger...!


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Donut
Donut who?
Donut open till Christmas!


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Avery
Avery who?
Avery merry Christmas!


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Holly
Holly who?
Holly-days are here again!


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Rudolph
Rudolph who?
Money is the Rudolph all evil!


Knock Knock
Who's there?
Mary
Mary who?
Mary Christmas!
 
A confident little boy was practicing baseball. He said: "I'm going to be
the greatest baseball player in the world!" Then he threw the ball up and
made a huge swing and missed.

He picked up the ball again, said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball
player in the world!" threw the ball up, took a great big swing, and missed
again.

Once more, he said: "I'm going to be the greatest baseball player in the
world!" threw the ball in the air, made his biggest swing yet, and missed
the ball yet again.

He raised both his arms and cheered: "Hooray! I'm the greatest pitcher in
the world!!"
 
After trying a new shampoo for the first time, a guy fired off an enthusiastic letter of approval to the manufacturer.

Several weeks later, he came home from work to a large carton in the middle of the floor. Inside were free samples of the many products the company produced: soaps, detergents, toothpaste, and paper items.

"Well, what do you think?" his wife asked, smiling.

"Next time," he replied, "I'm writing to Toyota!"
 
My dad found out I had an imaginary girlfriend.
He said, "You know you could do better."
"Thanks dad, that means a lot.", I replied
"I was talking to your girlfriend."
 
Surgeons in China have successfully attached a severed hand to an ankle.
In other news, police in America are investigating the disappearance of Addam's family star: 'Thing'.
 
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