jokes bad or otherwise.

jokes bad or otherwise

A friend of mine has had such a horrible Christmas with his extended family next year he is going to phone his boss pull a "workie" and go in.
 
Mary was telling Sally about her home life. "My husband was unhappy with what he called my mood swings. The other day he came home with a ""mood ring"" so he could monitor my moods ."
"What does it do ?"asked Sally
Mary said "When I'm in a good mood it turns green. When I'm in a bad mood it leaves a thumping great red mark on his face!!":46:
 
A young boy was pageboy at his first ever wedding .After the service he asked his older cousin "How many women can a man marry??"
His cousin replied " 16 " "How do you know" said the boy .
Cousin replied "Its easy , you just add up the numbers that the vicar said, 4 better , 4 worse, 4 richer and 4 poorer.!";D:wink:
 
A doctor is being cross examined by a lawyer. "Before you signed the death certificate , had you taken the mans pulse?"
" No " the doctor said. "Did you listen for a heartbeat?" asked the lawyer.
"No " the doctor again replied. "Did you check for respiration , breathing??"asked the lawyer. The answer came back "no !"

"Well then " said the lawyer "when you signed the certificate you had no idea if he was dead ,did you?"

The doctor rolled his eyes and said" At the time I signed the certificate the mans brain was sat in a jar on my desk. But I can see your point , for all I know he could be out practicing law some where!":me:
 
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A woman went to the police complaining she'd lost her little dog Benji.
The police patiently explained that she could put some posters up or put an ad in the paper.
"That's no good !" she said "Benji cant read!":30:
 
Two pals went motorbike riding. The pillion passenger only had a small jacket so they stopped and he turned his jacket back to front so he could keep his neck warm!

A few miles further on the driver realised he'd lost his passenger so quickly turned back the way they'd come.
He saw an ambulance in the rod and stopped . He saw two paramedics leaning over his friend and heard one say to the other.
"On the count of three we'll turn his head the right way round" :39: :13:
 
The aeroplane was in trouble, the captain asked the passengers to prepare for an emergency landing. Just before getting set to land he sent the senior cabin crew to check everyone was ready.

The chief stewardess went into the cockpit and said "Every one is ready captain, all except a lawyer who's still handing out business cards!" :39: :wink:
 
PATIENCE ..........a quality you admire in the driver behind you..........
but detest in the driver in front of you!! :wink: ;D
 
I've been offered a 60 inch plasma screen T V for £100. Problem with it is the fact that the volume control is broken. At that price though ,you cant turn it down can you??:wink::me:
 
A recent survey has found that any woman who carries slightly more weight than she used to,tends to live longer than any man who mentions it! :me: :wink:
 
Why are there no painkiller 's in the jungle, because the parrots eat em all. (Paracetamol)
 
I'm not sure how much my new mobile bill is going to be! Every time I plug it in, it says it's charging! :39:
 
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