jokes bad or otherwise.
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barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A young man bought the fastest motorcycle that money could buy--a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It was the most expensive bike in the world and cost him $32,150.99. The first day he bought the new bike he took it for a spin. While doing so he stopped at a red light at the city limits.
An old man pulled up next to him on a moped. The old man looked over at the bright, red, shiny, sleek new motorcycle and asked, "What kind of scooter ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replied, "It's a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It costs $32,150.99 out the door."
"That's a lot of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this bike can go 200 mph!" exclaimed the young man.
The old fella asked, "Can I take a closer look at it?"
"Sure," replied the new owner.
From his moped the old man leaned over and took a good look at the very fast-looking machine. Just then the light changed, so the young man decided to show the old guy what his new motorcycle could really do. He gave it full throttle and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 199 mph.
Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed a little to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOSSSHHH! Something whipped passed him going much faster.
"What could be faster than my 2000 SP 8.2?" the young man thought to himself.
Then just ahead of him, he saw the dot coming back at him. WHHHOOOSSSHHH! It went flying by him again going in the opposite direction! It almost looked like the old man on the moped! How could that be?, thought the young man. Again he saw the dot in his mirror! WHHHOOOSSSHHH! KABBBLAMMM! The moped slammed into the rear of the shiny new 2000 SP 8.2, demolishing the read end of the young rider's pride and joy. The young man jumped off and saw it was the old timer.
Of course the moped was crushed and the old man was lying on the ground pretty beat up. The young man ran over to him and asked, "Are you hurt? Is there anything I can do for you?
The old man groaned and replied, "Yes, could you unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"
An old man pulled up next to him on a moped. The old man looked over at the bright, red, shiny, sleek new motorcycle and asked, "What kind of scooter ya got there, sonny?"
The young man replied, "It's a Yamaondason 2000 SP 8.2. It costs $32,150.99 out the door."
"That's a lot of money," said the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?"
"Because this bike can go 200 mph!" exclaimed the young man.
The old fella asked, "Can I take a closer look at it?"
"Sure," replied the new owner.
From his moped the old man leaned over and took a good look at the very fast-looking machine. Just then the light changed, so the young man decided to show the old guy what his new motorcycle could really do. He gave it full throttle and within 30 seconds the speedometer read 199 mph.
Suddenly, he noticed a dot in his rear-view mirror. It seemed to be getting closer! He slowed a little to see what it could be and suddenly, WHHHOOOSSSHHH! Something whipped passed him going much faster.
"What could be faster than my 2000 SP 8.2?" the young man thought to himself.
Then just ahead of him, he saw the dot coming back at him. WHHHOOOSSSHHH! It went flying by him again going in the opposite direction! It almost looked like the old man on the moped! How could that be?, thought the young man. Again he saw the dot in his mirror! WHHHOOOSSSHHH! KABBBLAMMM! The moped slammed into the rear of the shiny new 2000 SP 8.2, demolishing the read end of the young rider's pride and joy. The young man jumped off and saw it was the old timer.
Of course the moped was crushed and the old man was lying on the ground pretty beat up. The young man ran over to him and asked, "Are you hurt? Is there anything I can do for you?
The old man groaned and replied, "Yes, could you unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror?"
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
A Scout Master was teaching his boy scouts about survival in the desert. "What are the three most important things you should bring with you in case you get lost in the desert?" he asked.
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that, Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"
Several hands went up, and many important things were suggested such as food, matches, etc. Then one little boy in the back eagerly raised his hand.
"Yes Timmy, what are the three most important things you would bring with you?" asked the Scout Master.
Timmy replied: "A compass, a canteen of water, and a deck of cards."
"Why's that, Timmy?"
"Well," answered Timmy, "the compass is to find the right direction, the water is to prevent dehydration..."
"And what about the deck of cards?" asked the Scout Master impatiently.
"Well, sir, as soon as you start playing Solitaire, someone is bound to come up behind you and say, 'Put that red nine on top of that black ten!'"
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
If lawyers are disbarred
and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that. . .
electricians could be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
and dry cleaners depressed?
Wouldn't you expect laundry workers to decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted?
Likewise, bedmakers might be debunked,
baseball players debased,
bulldozer operators degraded,
organ donors delivered,
software engineers detested, and
underwear manufacturers debriefed.
And won't all composers one day decompose?
On a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will someday be devoted.
and clergymen defrocked,
doesn't it follow that. . .
electricians could be delighted,
musicians denoted,
cowboys deranged,
models deposed,
and dry cleaners depressed?
Wouldn't you expect laundry workers to decrease, eventually becoming depressed and depleted?
Likewise, bedmakers might be debunked,
baseball players debased,
bulldozer operators degraded,
organ donors delivered,
software engineers detested, and
underwear manufacturers debriefed.
And won't all composers one day decompose?
On a more positive note, perhaps we can hope politicians will someday be devoted.
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
Max went into the doctor's office for his annual checkup, and the Doc asked if there was anything unusual he should know about.
So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.
"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."
So Max told the Doc that his suit must have shrunk over the last year, because it didn't fit when he went to get ready for a wedding recently.
The Doc said, "Suits don't shrink just sitting in a closet. You probably put on a few pounds."
"That's just it, Doc, I know I haven't gained a single pound since the last time I wore it."
"Well, then," said Doc, "You must have a case of Furniture Disease."
"What in the world is Furniture Disease?" asked Max.
"That's when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers."
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A Les Dawson inspired joke .... I took my wife out for afternoon tea and biscuits , boy was she annoyed when she had to give blood first.
