jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
- Start date
:roflmao:
happyjack
Dedicated Member
A mechanic was repairing a car in the garage when he spotted a cardiologist waiting to see the service manager. He called him over to look at the cylinder head he was removing. Why do I only get £25000 a year for performing surgery on motors and you get £50000 for your surgery. The cardiologist replied "try doing yours with the engine running".
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
The Papers are full of the story regarding a vertically challenged fortune teller who has escaped from Prison
Police state there is now a small medium at large!
Police state there is now a small medium at large!
dick
LOTSW Fanatic
A man in hospital was reflecting on his marriage to his wife who sat next to the bed.
He told her " You have stayed with me come what may, I lost a job ,you stayed by my side. My business failed you stuck by me ,I got run over by a bus you were there ! I got sick you never left my side!"
His wife was overcome with emotion and leaned close to him.
"You know what" he said "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck!"
:thumbsdown:
He told her " You have stayed with me come what may, I lost a job ,you stayed by my side. My business failed you stuck by me ,I got run over by a bus you were there ! I got sick you never left my side!"
His wife was overcome with emotion and leaned close to him.
"You know what" he said "I'm beginning to think you're bad luck!"
:thumbsdown:
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
two doctors are on a flight when they are joined by a medical complaint lawyer who sits down and kicks of his shoes. The Doctor near the window decides to get up and go to get a beer from the stewardess . The Lawyer says " Don't worry let me get that for you" . While he's away the Doctor spits in his shoe . On his return the 2nd Doctor says he wants to go for a beer . Yet again the Lawyer says " Don't worry let me get that for you" . While he's away the Doctor spits in his other shoe . Well the plane starts to come into land , the Lawyer puts his shoes on and realises what the Doctors have done.
" Look guys how long will this grudge against each other carry on , the hatred, the animosity, the spitting in the shoes , the peeing in the beer ! "
" Look guys how long will this grudge against each other carry on , the hatred, the animosity, the spitting in the shoes , the peeing in the beer ! "
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A lady goes to see her local priest . " Father I have a problem with my two female talking parrots all they say is ' We're good time girls would you like to have some fun'" . The father pauses a moment but then says " I think I can help you there I have two male parrots and I have taught them the bible and to be religious ,if you bring your parrots and we put them in the same cage then my parrots may be able to transform yours "
Well the women brings her parrots around and she sees the Priest's parrots in the cage , they have Rosary beads in their claws and they are uttering a prayer to god. She decides it may work so the Priest opens the cage and puts the lady's parrots in . True to form the female parrots utter "We're good time girls would you like to have some fun" . The Priest's parrot's look at each other " Ok Harry time to chuck those beads away our prayers have been answered"
Well the women brings her parrots around and she sees the Priest's parrots in the cage , they have Rosary beads in their claws and they are uttering a prayer to god. She decides it may work so the Priest opens the cage and puts the lady's parrots in . True to form the female parrots utter "We're good time girls would you like to have some fun" . The Priest's parrot's look at each other " Ok Harry time to chuck those beads away our prayers have been answered"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A Burglar broke into a house and started looking for things to take when he heard a voice cry out "Jesus is watching you" . Thinking he had imagined it he carried on . Yet again he heard "Jesus is watching you" so he turned on his torch and in the beam he sees a parrot . He asks the parrot "Is that you saying Jesus is watching you " , "Yes " the Parrot replies . " Well then Parrot what's your name " , "Moses" replies the Parrot . " Moses !!" exclaims the Burglar "who on earth would call their Parrot Moses" .
"The same people who called their pit bull terrier Jesus"
"The same people who called their pit bull terrier Jesus"
dick
LOTSW Fanatic
A woman walked up to a little old man sat on his porch.
She said "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's the secret of your long life??"
He said "I smoke 60 cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky a week , eat fatty foods and do not exercise!"
"That's amazing !"she said "how old are you??"
" 26 " he replied!
She said "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look. What's the secret of your long life??"
He said "I smoke 60 cigarettes a day, drink a case of whisky a week , eat fatty foods and do not exercise!"
"That's amazing !"she said "how old are you??"
" 26 " he replied!
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
Q: How does a home schooler change a light bulb?
A: First, mom checks out three books at the library on electricity, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five-dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five-dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.
A: First, mom checks out three books at the library on electricity, then the kids make models of light bulbs, read a biography of Thomas Edison and do a skit based on his life. Next, everyone studies the history of lighting methods, wrapping up with dipping their own candles. Next, everyone takes a trip to the store where they compare types of light bulbs as well as prices and figure out how much change they'll get if they buy two bulbs for $1.99 and pay with a five-dollar bill. On the way home, a discussion develops over the history of money and also Abraham Lincoln, as his picture is on the five-dollar bill. Finally, after building a homemade ladder out of branches dragged from the woods, the light bulb is installed. And there is light.
dick
LOTSW Fanatic
A piece from WHEN HARRY MET SALLY..............
SALLY......I drove him away and I'm gonna be 40
HARRY.............When?
SALLY ..........Someday!
HARRY........... In 8 years!
SALLY............But its sitting there like some big dead end. Its not the same for men, Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73!
HARRY............AH but he was too old to pick them up!
SALLY......I drove him away and I'm gonna be 40
HARRY.............When?
SALLY ..........Someday!
HARRY........... In 8 years!
SALLY............But its sitting there like some big dead end. Its not the same for men, Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 73!
HARRY............AH but he was too old to pick them up!
A trucker came into a truck stop restaurant and placed his order. “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”
“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
The brand-new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. … What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires means three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up; and a pair of running boards is two slices of crisp bacon!”
“Oh … OK!” replied the waitress. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
the difference between friendships
When a woman stays out all night and says she stayed with a friend, her husband rings her ten best friends and all of them say they nothing about it .
When a man stays out all night and says he stayed with his best pal, his wife ring his ten best mates , 8 say he stayed with them and two say he is still here.
When a woman stays out all night and says she stayed with a friend, her husband rings her ten best friends and all of them say they nothing about it .
When a man stays out all night and says he stayed with his best pal, his wife ring his ten best mates , 8 say he stayed with them and two say he is still here.