jokes bad or otherwise.

An employee comes into her manager’s office to ask for a day off from work.

The manager replied, "So you want a day off? Let's take a look at what you are asking for. There are 365 days per year available for work. There are 52 weeks per year in which you already have 2 days off per week, leaving 261 days available for work. Since you spend 16 hours each day away from work, you have used up 170 days, leaving only 91 days available. You spend 30 minutes each day on coffee break, which counts for 23 days each year, leaving only 68 days available. With a 1-hour lunch each day, you used up another 46 days, leaving only 22 days available for work. You normally spend 2 days per year on sick leave. This leaves you only 20 days per year available for work. We are off 5 holidays per year, so your available working time is down to 15 days. We generously give 14 days vacation per year which leaves only 1 day available for work and I'll be darned if you are going to take that day off!
:08:;);)
 
One day at a trial, an eminent psychologist was called to testify. A severe no nonsense professional, she sat down in the witness chair unaware that it's rear legs were set precariously on the back of the raised platform.

"Will you state your name?" asked the district attorney.

Tilting back in her chair, she opened her mouth to answer, but instead catapulted head-over-heels backward and landed in a stack of exhibits and recording equipment.

Everyone watched in stunned silence as she extricated herself, rearranged her disheveled dress and hair and was reseated on the witness stand. The glare she directed at onlookers dared anyone to so much as smirk.

"Well, doctor," continued the district attorney without changing expression, "we could start with an easier question."
 
Ten men and a single woman were clinging to a rope high above the ground and its about to snap , they realise that if one person were to let go then they may prolong the time before the rope snaps . The woman delivers the most truly touching speech about how she will sacrifice her life in the hope that the others will survive , so moving is the speech that there is a spontaneous round of applause from the men ................. and you know what she was rescued
 
OLD ONE................
Two cannibals were eating a clown,
One turned to the other and said " Do's this taste funny to you?" :08::cautious:
 
A wife heard sobbing coming from the living room. She went in to find her husband with his face to the wall.
" Whats wrong ? " she said . He replied " Do you remember when your father caught us together when you were 16?" "He said I could either marry you or go to jail?" She said "Well what about it?"

He began crying again, " I would have been freed today " :cry::cautious:
 
A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the Vets.
Yorkshireman: "Ay up lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat"
Vet: " Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I`ve browt it with us"
 
A Yorkshireman`s dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made to remember him by.
Yorkshireman: " Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?"
Mason: "Do you want it 18 carat?"
Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin a bone yer daft beggar"
 
A young couple get married and are on their honeymoon . The Bride nervously talks to the Groom " Honey as you know I am a virgin and I really don't know how to make love " . The Groom replies " Well look lets call your private place the prison and my private place the prisoner and basically the prisoner has to be put in the prison "

Anyway they make passionate love and afterwards the groom is lying there smiling.

The Bride nudges him and says " Honey the Prisoner seems to have escaped "

The Groom says " Well dear perhaps it's time we re-imprison him"

Anyway they make passionate love and afterwards the groom is reaching for a cigarette.

The Bride nudges him and says " Honey the Prisoner seems to have escaped again "

Anyway they make passionate love again by which time the Groom lies back totally exhausted.

The Bride nudges him and says " Honey the Prisoner seems to have escaped again isn't it time he was recaptured ? "

The Groom then shouts " No it's bloody not , he only shoplifted a shirt from a store, he didn't commit third degree murder"
 
A young man, hired by a supermarket, reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom
and said, "Your first job will be to sweep out the store."

"But I'm a college graduate," the young man replied indignantly.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know that," said the manager. "Here, give me the
broom, I'll show you how."
 
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