jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
- Start date
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
An old man thinks his wife has a hearing problem so he stood fifteen feet behind her while she sat in a chair and softly asked "Can you hear me dear" , there was no response so he moved forward and repeated the question again there was no response . Finally he stood right behind the chair and asked again , "For the third time Yes! are you mutton jeff !"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A shy man goes into a bar sees a pretty girl at the bar and asks her in a very quiet voice if he could buy her a drink . The girl looks at him and shouts at the Top of her Voice " No I won't sleep with you tonight" . Well the man is so embarrassed he goes back to his seat and the whole pub is looking . A few minutes later the girl goes over " I'm really sorry about that its just I am a psychology student and I want to see how people react in embarrassing situations " . The man responds in a booming voice " No I won't pay you £200 !"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
an old lady is sitting on her porch in a rocking chair seeing out her final days . Suddenly there's a flash and a fairy godmother appears and grants her three wishes.
Firstly I would like to be rich, poof and her Rocking Chair is suddenly made of solid gold
Secondly I wouldn't mind being a young beautiful princess , poof and she turns into a beautiful young princess
As she is sitting thinking about the third wish her tom cat wonders across the porch
Thirdly I would like you to change my cat into a handsome Prince - poof and there before her is the most handsome man she has ever seen.
Well one thing leads to another and they start to kiss and canoodle when suddenly the Prince whispers in her ear " I told you'd be sorry one day for having me spayed"
Firstly I would like to be rich, poof and her Rocking Chair is suddenly made of solid gold
Secondly I wouldn't mind being a young beautiful princess , poof and she turns into a beautiful young princess
As she is sitting thinking about the third wish her tom cat wonders across the porch
Thirdly I would like you to change my cat into a handsome Prince - poof and there before her is the most handsome man she has ever seen.
Well one thing leads to another and they start to kiss and canoodle when suddenly the Prince whispers in her ear " I told you'd be sorry one day for having me spayed"
A man goes into a pet shop and tells the owner that he wants to buy a pet that can do everything.
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
The shop owner suggests a faithful dog.
The man replies, "Come on, a dog?"
The owner says, "How about a cat?"
The man replies, "No way! A cat certainly can't do everything. I want a pet that can do everything!"
The shop owner thinks for a minute, then says, "I've got it! A centipede!"
The man says, "A centipede? I can't imagine a centipede doing everything, but okay... I'll try a centipede." He gets the centipede home and says to the centipede, "Clean the kitchen."
Thirty minutes later, he walks into the kitchen and... it's immaculate! All the dishes and silverware have been washed, dried, and put away the counter-tops cleaned the appliances sparkling the floor waxed. He's absolutely amazed.
He says to the centipede, "Go clean the living room."
Twenty minutes later, he walks into the living room. The carpet has been vacuumed the furniture cleaned and dusted the pillows on the sofa plumped, plants watered.
The man thinks to himself, "This is the most amazing thing I've ever seen. This really is a pet that can do everything!"
Next he says to the centipede, "Run down to the corner and get me a newspaper."
The centipede walks out the door. 10 minutes later... no centipede.
20 minutes later... no centipede. 30 minutes later... no centipede.
By this point the man is wondering what's going on. The centipede should have been back in a couple of minutes. 45 minutes later... still no centipede!
He can't imagine what could have happened. Did the centipede run away? Did it get run over by a car? Where is that centipede?
So he goes to the front door, opens it... and there's the centipede sitting right outside.
The man says, "Hey!!! I sent you down to the corner store 45 minutes ago to get me a newspaper. What's the matter?!"
The centipede says, "I'm goin'! I'm goin'! I'm just puttin' on my shoes!"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
a scruffy man enters a bar and asks the barman for a double whisky . The barman pours it but then the man says "Sir I have no money to pay that but if I show you something miraculous would you let me have the drink . "Deal" says the Barman at which point the man pulls a hamster out his pocket and puts it on the bar counter . The Hamster runs the length of the bar, climbs down, runs across the floor to the piano lifts the lid and starts playing . " Wow that's brilliant here's the drink" , the scruffy man duly downs it . " Sir can I have another" . The Barman thinks and then says " another miracle , another drink" at which point the man pulls out a frog and places on the bar and it starts to sing Frank Sinatra's My Way pitch perfect . Another Customer is so impressed he offers the scruffy man £500 for the frog which the scruffy man agrees to , the man grabs the Frog and runs from the bar . The Barman is flabbergasted " £500 for a singing frog you must be mad it must be worth thousands" . " Not really" the scruffy man replies " The Hamster is also a Ventriloquist!"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A call comes into the FBI . "Hello I want to report a felony my neighbour Tom has stashed a large amount of marijuana in logs he he keeps in a big shed " . Thank you sir we will investigate . Next day they go to Tom's find the wood in the shed they break up every log but find nothing . Tom's phone rings "Hey Tom did the FBI call " , " Yeah" , " and did they chop all your firewood " , "Yeah " . " Well now its your turn to call I need my garden turned over"
dick
LOTSW Fanatic
A woman was questioned by the judge about her divorce trial. He wanted to know if she'd any grounds for it.
"I'd like a cottage in 2 or 3 acres" she replied.
"I was enquiring as to the state of your relations between you and your husband "he said.
"My husbands parents live in the next village " she replied.
Exasperated the judge said "Do you have a grudge at all?"
"Oh yes" she said "with room for two cars and a spare fridge!"
The judge asked her if there had been any infidelity in the marriage.
"Not in the living room" she replied "But our sons have C D players in their bedrooms!"
The judge tried one last time "has he ever beaten you up??"
She replied " Yes ,all the time , he's up before me every morning!"
The judge cried in despair "Madam, why do you want this divorce??"
" It's not me your honour " she said," Its my husbands fault, he's tired of not being able to communicate with me!!":cautious:
"I'd like a cottage in 2 or 3 acres" she replied.
"I was enquiring as to the state of your relations between you and your husband "he said.
"My husbands parents live in the next village " she replied.
Exasperated the judge said "Do you have a grudge at all?"
"Oh yes" she said "with room for two cars and a spare fridge!"
The judge asked her if there had been any infidelity in the marriage.
"Not in the living room" she replied "But our sons have C D players in their bedrooms!"
The judge tried one last time "has he ever beaten you up??"
She replied " Yes ,all the time , he's up before me every morning!"
The judge cried in despair "Madam, why do you want this divorce??"
" It's not me your honour " she said," Its my husbands fault, he's tired of not being able to communicate with me!!":cautious:
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A man's wife is severely hacked off at her husband because he forgot their 20th Wedding anniversary and issues him with an ultimatum " When I get up tomorrow morning there better be something on the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds or that's it I'm gone" . The next day her husband has gone to work when she gets up she dashes downstairs , opens the door and sees a box on the drive . Puzzled she thinks Oh he's put the key in the box and the car is around the corner . She rips open the box only to find a pair of scales with a note saying "Stand on these" 
barmpot
LOTSW Fanatic
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota, a fire started inside the local chemical plant, and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames.
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Still no takers.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. They had fled Europe after WW2, and established their own town.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these old Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant .... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norsemen had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norse firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film and asked, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Olee Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da furst ting vee doo is fix da brakes on dat truck!"
The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.
Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As more firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Still no takers.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65. They had fled Europe after WW2, and established their own town.
To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these old Norwegians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant .... and drove straight into the middle of the inferno!
Outside, the other firemen watched as the Norwegian old-timers jumped off and began to fight the fire with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Norsemen had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Norse firefighters.
The local TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film and asked, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Olee Larsen, the 70-year-old fire chief, "Da furst ting vee doo is fix da brakes on dat truck!"
