jokes bad or otherwise.

MY HOUSEWORK PHILOSOPHY

I don't do windows because I love birds and don't want one to run into a clean window and get hurt.

I don't wax floors because I am terrified a guest will slip, hurt themselves, I'll feel terrible, and they may sue me.

I don't mind the dust bunnies because they are very good company. I have named most of them, and they agree with everything I say.

I don't disturb cobwebs because I want every creature to have a home of their own.

I don't spring clean because I love all the seasons and don't want the others to get jealous.
 
MORE HOUSEWORK THOUGHTS


I don't pull weeds in the garden because I don't want to get rid of the only green I've got.

I don't put things away because my spouse will never be able to find them again.

I don't do gourmet meals when I entertain because I don't want my guests to stress out over what to make when they invite me over for dinner.

I don't iron because I choose to believe them when they say "Permanent Press."

I don't stress much on anything because "A Type" personalities die young and I want to stick around and become a wrinkled up crusty ol' person!
 
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the "seniors' special" was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

"Sounds good," my wife said. "But I don't want the eggs."

"Then I'll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you're ordering a la carte," the waitress warned her.

"You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?" my wife asked incredulously. "Then I'll take the special."

"How do you want your eggs?"

"Raw and in the shell," my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.
 
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburettor."
HUSBAND: "Water in the carburettor? that's ridiculous"
WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburettor"
HUSBAND: "You don`t even know what a carburettor is. Where is the car?
WIFE: "In the river"
 
An old one, but ...
Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal, they lay down for the night, and went to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend, "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."

Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."

"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked.

Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I
observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that God is
all-powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"

Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke, " Someone has stolen our tent!"
 
A Russian, American and Irishman are discussing space programmes . The Russian pipes up " We have the best space programme we put the first man in space and continue to run the Space station" . " Nonsense " states the American " We have the best programme we had the first man on the Moon and we invented the Space Shuttle " . " Well Sirs the Irish are about to top that " the Irishman chips in " We're about to land a man on the Sun " . The other two enquire " And how can you do that as soon as you get close the craft will burst into flames " . The Irishman retorts " we aren't daft we thought of that , we're going to send the craft there at night!"
 
GOD met three men at the Pearly Gates. He told them that if they had not cheated on their wives too much ,they could have a new car.
The first man said he only cheated seven times and got a Mercedes .The second man said only twice and got a Ferrari .
The third man said he never cheated and got a Bentley .
Next day the third man was seen by the others looking very sad. When asked why, he replied "I saw my wife today, riding on a skate board!!":cry::o o:
 
The Pope is touring the UK and after a busy day he decides to relax by the sea shore at St Ives in Cornwall so he has the driver of the Pope Mobile pull up at the shore . As he is contemplating the events of the day he sees a man in the water being attacked by a shark . On closer inspection he sees it's Boris Johnson .

As he is thinking about what he can do to help a speedboat pulls up , drags Boris out the water and the two men in the boat start beating the shark with baseball bats . The Pope looking on spots that its Michael Gove and Jeremy Corbyn . Well Michael Gove spots the Pope watching from the shore and pulls the boat over to greet him.

When they arrive the Pope says " Bless you , I know you are from opposite sides in what is currently a volatile Political battle but it is so refreshing that you fought together to save this man's life you have my blessing" at which point he summons his driver and he drives off.

Jeremy Corbyn asks Michael Gove " Who was that ? " . Michael Gove replies " That was the Pope , Leader of the Catholic Church he's all knowing , in touch with God but obviously knows nothing about Shark Fishing , how's the Bait holding up " :08:
 
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