jokes bad or otherwise.

Little Johnny opened his birthday gift from Gramma. It was a water pistol! He squealed with delight and headed for the nearest sink.

His mother was not so pleased. She turned to Gramma and said, "I'm surprised at you, getting him a water pistol! Don't you remember how we used to drive you crazy with those?"

Gramma just smiled: "Yes...I remember."
 
Remarkably a baby is born in hospital and he can talk . The first thing he says is " Are you my Mum " . " Why yes " his mother replies . " Well I would like to thank you for carrying me and taking care of me before I was born" . The baby next asks the Doctor " Did you deliver me?" . " Yes " the Doctor replies. " Well I would like to thank you for bringing me safely into this world" . He next turns to his Father and asks " Are you my Father? " . " Yes" the father replies with pride. " Well come over here please and bend down " . The father complies and the Baby starts poking him repeatedly in the forehead. " How does that feel ? Smarts a bit doesn't it!!!
 
old but gold.........

A young guy witnesses an old couple buy a single meal at McDonalds and ask for an extra drinks cup . When they sit down he sees the man carefully divides the burger in half and share out the chips , he then pours half the drink into the spare cup . He then puts his hands on his lap whilst his wife eats her half of the food .

The young man ,saddened by what he saw , offers to buy another meal . The old man explains " We've been married fifty years and from the day we met until now we have always shared everything fifty fifty . After a minute the young man enquires when the old man is going to eat his half as its going cold , to which the old man replies " Very soon sonny it was my wife's turn with the teeth first" ;)
 
So this guy has the courage -- but not always the skills -- to tackle any home-repair project.

For example, his garage was littered with the pieces of a lawn mower he once tried to fix.

One day his wife found him in the living room, attacking the vacuum cleaner with a screwdriver. "I can't get this thing to cooperate!" he exclaimed.

His wife replied, "Why don't you drag it out to the garage and show it the lawn mower?"
 
One evening just as the children were getting ready for bed Tim’s mother heard him screaming at the top of his lungs.

She quickly ran into his bedroom and found his two-year-old sister pulling his hair. She gently pulled his hair from the little girl’s grip and said comfortingly to Tim, “There, there. She didn't mean it. She doesn't understand that hurts.”

She was barely out of the room when the little girl screamed. Rushing back in, she said, “What happened?” Tim looked at his mom and said, “She knows now!”
 
PROFOUND THOUGHTS FROM DOGS

~ My human runs slow because he uses only half of his legs.

~ Why do humans harvest our poop?

~ Human has gotten noticeably smaller since we first met. He used to be able to pick me up with one hand!

~ I had to bark at my human for 12 hours before he would come back inside the house, but it worked.
 
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