jokes bad or otherwise.

Letter to the council.................I wish to report that tiles are coming off my outside toilet roof! I think it was bad wind the other night that blew them off !! :08:
 
Another council complaint.............50% of the walls are damp ,50% have crumbling plaster and the other 50% is just plain filthy!:confused::cautious:
 
Piers Morgan has interviewed a Rabbi and a Hindu Holy Man on Breakfast TV and offers to drive them home. As they head out into the Country the car breaks down and despite trying to call the Repair people they are so busy they cannot get to him until the next day . As they are standing there in the middle of nowhere , Piers notices a farmhouse and suggests they go there and ask the Farmer if they can stay over until the car is repaired the next day . They knock at the door and the Farmer agrees , but with only two spare rooms one of them will have to sleep in the Barn

The Rabbi pipes up " My people wondered in the wilderness for Forty years I am proud to sleep in the barn " so off he goes . Two minutes later there's a knock at the door and its the Rabbi " I am sorry I cannot sleep in the barn there is a Pig in there and my faith believes it is an unclean animal" . The Holy Man then speaks up " I will sleep in the barn instead " . Two minutes later there is a knock at the door and it is the Hindu Holy Man . " I'm sorry there is a cow in the barn and I cannot sleep there Cows are sacred and I cannot sleep on sacred ground . "

Piers has no choice and off he goes , two minutes later there's a knock at the door when the Farmer opens it there stands the Cow and the Pig " Sorry we cannot stand another minute, we'll take our chances , we're off back to the field for the night !
 
A Health Inspector is visiting a local Restaurant to inspect it so to check the food he asks the owner to provide him with a Pizza . The owner calls the chef who is bare chested and asks for a Pizza at which the Chef grabs a handful of dough and presses it out on his chest . "I'm not eating that its disgusting and you've just earned a warning , right I want to inspect the hamburger" .

The owner calls the Chef again who grabs a lump of mince , raises his arm puts the meat in his armpit and pulls down his arm to flatten the mince . " I'm defintely not eating that its even more disgusting and that's your final warning , I'm going away but I will be back early in the morning to carry on ".

The owner pauses a minute and then says " Look just give me the closure order now save you coming back I just know you'd want to try the donuts!!"
 
A Marine private was filling out a questionnaire for a correspondence course.

He got to this question: "How long has your present employer been in business?"

He thought for a moment, then wrote: "Since 1775."
 
A Irishman is driving along a country road when he spots another Irishman sat rowing in a boat in the middle of a field . He screeches to a halt and gets out the Car and starts shouting at the guy in the boat " You £$%% idiot !! It's Irishmen like you that give the rest of us a reputation for being thick , I have half a mind to swim out there and give you a "££$%% good hiding ! "
 
Another complaint to the council.....................Will you please send someone to inspect my garden path? My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant!:08::cautious:
 
A lady is walking out of a movie theatre at the same time sees a man with a parrot on his shoulder.

She turns to the man and says, "Your parrot actually seemed to understand the movie. It looked around during the boring parts, it paid close attention to the dramatic parts, it even squawked during the funny parts. I don't understand how that can be."

The man replied, "I don't understand it either. He didn't like the book at all."
 
An expectant father rang the hospital to see how his wife was getting on. By mistake he was connected to the Lord's cricket ground.

"How's it going?" he asked.

"Fine," came the answer, "We've got three out and hope to have the rest out before lunch. The last one was a duck."
 
A wife came home early to find her husband in bed with another woman. She was so upset she put her revolver to her own head and threatened to blow her brains out. "Don't do it !" he cried " I'm so sorry!" :30: "Shut up !" she said "You're next!" :08::cautious:
 
A sales manager phoned one of his customers, ..."Mr Smith you've had your windows for months now but you've not paid us a penny!":confused:

Mr Smith replied "You told me they would pay for themselves within a year! That's what I'm waiting for!":08:
 
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top