jokes bad or otherwise.

A tortoise climbs slowly to the top of a tall tree ,sets himself, jumps,starts to flap his legs frantically and plummets to the ground below with an almighty crash . After a few minutes he pulled himself together and again climbs the top of the tree . When he reaches the top two parrots are sitting , one turns to the other and says " I think its only fair to tell him we adopted him ! "
 
A businessman hires a new secretary who is ultra efficient and attentive . Mid morning of the first day she approaches him " Sorry for being impertinent but I looked at you when you went past me and I could not help notice that the "Barrack Door" was open in your trousers and you may wish to shut it by pulling up the zip" . The man is embarrassed and inquisitive , after pulling up his zip he asks " When the Barrack Door was open did you notice a "Guardsman" standing to attention " . The Secretary replied " No sir only an old wrinkly Chelsea Pensioner lying on his two kit bags"
 
A man runs into the local Police station nearly tearing the doors off asks the Desk Sergeant " I understand you have the burglar that broke into my house in a cell I must see him , its really , really urgent !!" The Sergeant replies " I'm sorry that's not possible you'll have your chance in court " . The man refuses to give up " You don't understand I am desperate to know how he managed to get into our house late at night without disturbing my wife!"
 
Anne was talking to her pal "Have you seen my ex recently"?
Her pal said " Yes, he seemed to be headed for a breakdown !"
Anne said "Oh my goodness why is that?"
Her pal said "He was driving an AA van!"
 
A penny coin bumped into a £20 note. " Well hello I haven't seen you in a while where have you been ? " . " Oh I have had a great time I've been hanging around the Casinos then I went on Cruises , few football games , shopping centre , how about you" . " Well you know same-oh same-oh church collection , church collection, Starbucks Tips "
 
The big-time CEO was scheduled to speak at an important convention, so he asked an employee to write him a punchy 20-minute speech.

When the CEO returned from the big event, he was furious. "What's the idea of writing me an hour-long speech?" he demanded. "Half the audience walked out before I finished."

The employee was baffled. "I wrote you a 20-minute speech," he replied. "I also gave you the two extra copies you asked for."
 
Two antennae met on a roof.

They fell in love and got married.

The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
 
If the paper clip were invented today it would probably have ten moving parts and five transistors, and require a service man three times a year.
 
I asked a friend of mine by phone what he was doing. He told me he was working on "aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum, and steel under a constrained environment."

I was impressed.

In further conversation, I learned that he was "washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision."
 
A man goes into a Large Chemists store and asks for Condoms . The assistants asks " What size ? " . " I'm sorry I don't know" he replies . "Well go to aisle 4 and speak to Sophie " . When he gets there she grabs him and shouts "Medium" . The man is embarrassed and scuttles back to the till , buys the condoms and leaves.

A second man goes into the store and asks for Condoms . The assistants asks " What size ? " . " I'm sorry I don't know" he replies . "Well go to aisle 4 and speak to Sophie " . When he gets there she grabs him and shouts "Large" . The man struts to the till , buys the condoms and leaves.

A spotty nervous student goes into the store and asks for Condoms . The assistants asks " What size ? " . " I'm sorry I don't know" he replies . "Well go to aisle 4 and speak to Sophie " . When he gets there she grabs him and shouts "Cleaner to Aisle 4"
 
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