jokes bad or otherwise.

The local village paper is full of the headline story about an affair between the local parish vicar and a leading lady of the community, after some detective work by the paper's top reporter who unearthed the shocking facts . Apparently on a visit to both of their homes he found her pants in the Vicar's vestry and his vest in her pantry!!!! :08:
 
A Father and 20 year old son are dining at a Chinese Buffet. When the father is getting food the boy starts messing about with a penny , accidentally swallows it and starts to choke . The Father panics and shout " Help , Help my son is choking " at which a woman on the next table gets up grabs the boys private parts and squeezes . The penny pops out his mouth and the son stops choking . The Father turns to the lady " I owe you everything , you saved my son's live thank god you are medically trained are you a Nurse?" . " No I work for Inland Revenue" the lady replies.
 
A man goes to the pet shop to buy an exotic pet . After some time he settles on a Centipede , the owner says its not just any centipede if you ask nicely it will do things for you . When he gets home the man asks the Centipede " Would you please help me an clean the kitchen" . Twenty minutes later he goes into the kitchen and its meticulous , plates are gleaming , he can see his face in the floor. " Thank you so much but after a little rest would you please clean the Living Room " . After 30 minutes he goes in and again its immaculate the papers are neatly folded , cushions are just so .

" How can I thank you , you're a real treasure but after a short rest could you please go to the newsagents and get me a paper and a bar of chocolate ." Well 20 , 30 , 40 minutes go by and there's no sign of the Centipede . Worried the man decides to go out and look for the Centipede as he steps out the door there's the centipede . " What you doing " he asks . " Hey stop nagging , I'm still putting my boots on do you think I'd go to the shops barefoot!"
 
Old Albert who is 80 goes for his annual checkup with his Doctor . As he sits down the Doctor says " Well Albert for a man of 80 physically you are fine but how are you mentally , are you at peace with your God ? " . " Well Doctor I have to say God and I are really close , he looks after me, for example when I get up during the night to go to the toilet I open the door God turns the light on and when I have finished and shut the door God turns the light out . " Puzzled by this the Doctor pops out to speak with Albert's wife and explains to her what Albert said . "Oh that !The stupid old sod has a pee in the refrigerator every night without fail !"
 
A young ventriloquist is going about his act on stage mostly reciting jokes about dumb blondes when all of a sudden a lady with blonde hair in the fourth row stands up . " Enough, I am fed up with your stupid jokes its people like you who try to stereotype people what possibly does a person's hair colour have to do with their intelligence. It's guys like you who cause women to be disrespected in the work place and stop them reaching their goals , you perpetuate discrimination against blondes and women in general !!"

At this the ventriloquist starts to apologise when the woman continues "Hey you big lump butt out I wasn't talking to you my beef is with that little dollup on your knee"
 
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