jokes bad or otherwise.

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes and asked her for a date.
She refused because she'd popped her clogs !:confused::(
 
"Foggy: Every time I come up here, the spirit soars! You can't help thinking what a wonderful place it would be to set up a machine gun:33:Give me a small squad of hand-picked men and I could defend this place indefinitely!

Clegg: How long have you been a nature lover, Foggy? ;)
 
A young couple , both virgins , are about to get married although the bride does not really believe her future husband is a virgin . Two days before the wedding the bridegroom and his friends are playing golf when the groom gets hit in a very delicate place with a fully struck golf ball . Writhing in agony and ambulance is called and he is carted off to hospital .

The Doctor examining says its may not be to bad to which the groom replies "But I'm getting married in two days" . "Ok " the Doctor replies " What I'll do is use four wooden tongue depressors and use them to form a splint with a little elastoplast and hopefully that will help and get you ready for your honeymoon" .

So after the two days goes by the wedding takes place and the newlyweds retire to their Hotel Room . The Bride still not sure about her husband being a virgin again questions him " My darling how can I be sure you're a virgin?" At which point her husband drops his trousers and says " Well look my darling it is still in the crate!!!"
 
old one......................A man saw that his friend had jelly in one ear and blancmange in the other !
When he asked him why ,his pal said "I wanted to know how it would feel to be a trifle deaf! ":rolling:
 
A group of people are on a plane waiting to depart . The stewardess comes on the intercom and says they have been waiting for the two pilots but they are now walking across the tarmac . To their complete shock the passengers look out of the windows to spot two men dressed in pilot uniforms walking with white sticks and guide dogs , panic of course ensues. The stewardess manages to calm people down momentarily assuring the passengers that the pilots are experienced and have flown many times.

The pilots take their seats and the plane taxis to the runway. Having got clearance the pilots throttle the engines up to maximum power and the plane accelerates forward at speed closer and closer to the end of the runway the passengers grow increasingly concerned and start screaming and shouting loudly at which point the plane takes off with feet to spare . In the cockpit one pilot turns to the other and says " You know one day those people are going to scream too late and we are going to die!"
 
A man and his pet monkey go into a bar as the man orders a drink the monkey runs all over , jumps on the pool table grabs the 8 ball and swallows it whole . " Did you see what the monkey did " the Barman shrieks . " No what's he done now he is driving me nuts" the man replied and the Barman explains how the monkey swallowed the pool ball.

A Few weeks later the man and the monkey came in again but this time the Barman is ready he puts a bowl of peanuts in their shells on the bar for the monkey to eat . True to form the monkey picks up a nut but puts it in his bottom , pulls it out and swallows it . "That's disgusting " the Barman retorts . "Yes I know" the man replies " but after the pool ball a few weeks ago he now measures everything!"
 
Police report that 10,000 blunt pencils were stolen yesterday from a stationery store.

They said the crime was pointless!:08:
 
YOU KNOW YOU ARE LIVING IN 2016 WHEN...

1. You accidentally enter your PIN on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
4. You email the person who works at the desk next to you.
5. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that they don't have email addresses.
6. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
7. Every commercial on television has a website at the bottom of the screen.
8. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't even have the first 20 or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic, and you turn around to go and get it.
10. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
11. You start tilting your head sideways to smile. :)
12. You're reading this and nodding and laughing.
13. Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message.
14. You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list.
15. You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list.
 
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard, and a German are all watching a street performer do some excellent juggling.

The juggler notices that the four gentlemen have a poor view, so he stand on a large box and asks, "Can you all see me now?"

"Yes."
"Oui."
"Si."
"Ja."
 
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