jokes bad or otherwise.
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captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A duck, a lion and a snake walk into a bar.
After some drinks, they are talking about their own greatness.
The Lion tells stories about his harem, how he rules above a vast territory and how he never knew hunger.
The duck describes how beautiful the world looks like from above, and never having to endure harsh winters because he can migrate.
Then the snake starts laughing.
"Whats so funny? " Asks the duck.
"You guys are mere peasants compared to my greatness. After all, I £$%^ walked into a bar! "
After some drinks, they are talking about their own greatness.
The Lion tells stories about his harem, how he rules above a vast territory and how he never knew hunger.
The duck describes how beautiful the world looks like from above, and never having to endure harsh winters because he can migrate.
Then the snake starts laughing.
"Whats so funny? " Asks the duck.
"You guys are mere peasants compared to my greatness. After all, I £$%^ walked into a bar! "
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A biker is travelling on the road
Suddenly, a sparrow crosses his path, and he has no time to avoid it. He sees in his mirror the poor little creature bounce on the pavement, then fall on its back.
Feeling guilty, he stops and picks up the unconscious bird. He gets home and put it in a cage with some bread and water.
The next day, the bird wakes up, sees the bars of the cage, the bread and water... He puts his head between the wings : "Hell, I've only gone and killed the biker and I've been locked up in jail awaiting trial!"
Suddenly, a sparrow crosses his path, and he has no time to avoid it. He sees in his mirror the poor little creature bounce on the pavement, then fall on its back.
Feeling guilty, he stops and picks up the unconscious bird. He gets home and put it in a cage with some bread and water.
The next day, the bird wakes up, sees the bars of the cage, the bread and water... He puts his head between the wings : "Hell, I've only gone and killed the biker and I've been locked up in jail awaiting trial!"
imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
A postman does his rounds in the countryside and visits a certain farm each day. One particular day he had forgotten to wear his wristwatch, so he asks the farmer for the time. "8.30" says the farmer, not looking up from milking the cows. The postman was astounded that the farmer could tell the time by a cow. The next day he asks the farmer for the time again. "8.35" the farmer says, again not looking up from milking the cows. On the third day it happened again, so the postman asks the farmer how he could ever tell the time by a cow. "I'm not" the farmer said, "It's just that I can see the church clock from here!"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
‘BP’
The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'
'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
'Try it now,' said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car started right up. 'Wow!' the man exclaimed, 'what did you put in my gas tank'?
The bee answered,
‘BP’
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A preacher's wife is preparing for dinner and makes her way to the butcher...
"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.
"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.
Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."
"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstood. That's the name of our best ham - The Damn Ham."
"Oh," she replies. "Well, I'll take The Damn Ham!"
Later as she's preparing dinner, her husband arrives.
"Smells great in here!" he says as he enters. "What are you cooking, honey?"
"The Damn Ham," she tells him.
"What has got into you?" he asks. "You know that we do not use that kind of language in this house."
"No, dear, that's the name of this ham - The Damn Ham," she explains.
"Oh, I see. Well, The Damn Ham smells delicious!"
After a while, the two of them and their two sons are sitting at the table enjoying a well made dinner. Going in for seconds, the preacher turns to his wife and asks, "Dear, could you pass me The Damn Ham?"
One of the sons jumps up, slaps the table, and yells, "That's the spirit, Dad! Pass the £$%^&* peas!"
"I'd like your best ham, please," she says to the butcher.
"You'll have The Damn Ham," he replies.
Taken aback, she asks, "Sir, could you please not use that sort of language around me? My husband is a preacher, and I am a devout Christian."
"No, ma'am, I think you misunderstood. That's the name of our best ham - The Damn Ham."
"Oh," she replies. "Well, I'll take The Damn Ham!"
Later as she's preparing dinner, her husband arrives.
"Smells great in here!" he says as he enters. "What are you cooking, honey?"
"The Damn Ham," she tells him.
"What has got into you?" he asks. "You know that we do not use that kind of language in this house."
"No, dear, that's the name of this ham - The Damn Ham," she explains.
"Oh, I see. Well, The Damn Ham smells delicious!"
After a while, the two of them and their two sons are sitting at the table enjoying a well made dinner. Going in for seconds, the preacher turns to his wife and asks, "Dear, could you pass me The Damn Ham?"
One of the sons jumps up, slaps the table, and yells, "That's the spirit, Dad! Pass the £$%^&* peas!"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A detective is called to a murder scene, whilst there he picks up a scent of Cuban tobacco on the victim’s body.
From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it.
It leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and charges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect.
But once inside, he realises that the whole apartment is being used as a walk-in wardrobe for a dance troupe.
“Damn It !! ” he exclaims, “Clothes, but no cigar!”
From this, he deduces that the killer was a smoker. He also discovers a crumpled up sheet of paper that has an address scribbled out on it.
It leads him to the doorsteps of an old apartment. The detective readies his gun and charges in, eager to find a clue that ties the house to the suspect.
But once inside, he realises that the whole apartment is being used as a walk-in wardrobe for a dance troupe.
“Damn It !! ” he exclaims, “Clothes, but no cigar!”
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”
The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to the market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road. The basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke.” The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket. “Very good,” said the teacher.
Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks.” The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched . “Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the response so far.
Next it was Barney’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun and a machete.” “Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.
“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete till the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.” “Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening Story?”
The child said: “Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking.”
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
3 men were stranded in a desert.
They were dying of thirst when a genie appeared to them. The genie said, “Here, I have a magical slide. Slide down it and shout any liquid and you will land in a pool of said liquid.”
So the first man got to the slide, slid down it and shouted ‘WATER’ and landed in a pool of water.
The second man slid down the slide and screamed as loud as he could, ‘Cold Lager’. And he landed in a pool of Stella Artois .
The third man however, got a bit over excited. He slid down the slide and he went down yelled, ‘WEEEEEEEEE!! ’.
They were dying of thirst when a genie appeared to them. The genie said, “Here, I have a magical slide. Slide down it and shout any liquid and you will land in a pool of said liquid.”
So the first man got to the slide, slid down it and shouted ‘WATER’ and landed in a pool of water.
The second man slid down the slide and screamed as loud as he could, ‘Cold Lager’. And he landed in a pool of Stella Artois .
The third man however, got a bit over excited. He slid down the slide and he went down yelled, ‘WEEEEEEEEE!! ’.
