jokes bad or otherwise.

My mate and his wife were watching a video of their wedding when he
said "God, I didn't realise you were so fat!"
"The camera adds 10 pounds" she said
"How many cameras were on you?" he replied.
 
At long last, I've finished my research into the effect alcohol has
on physical movement ~ The results were, quite frankly, staggering.....
 
I decided to confide in my wife that I kept hearing voices coming
from our electrical appliances.
"Haha" she laughed "You mean like the TV and the radio".
The kettle said she wouldn't believe me.
 
So supposedly, if you throw the spaghetti at the wall and it sticks,
it's cooked. Well, it surely stuck to the wall, now its just a case
of peeling it all back off and serving it up.
 
I took a drug test for work and the results come back negative, which
now means my dealer has some explaining to.
 
For those of you that missed the end of the world yesterday, you can
catch the repeat on 21 December 2012.
 
I walked up to this woman and said, "Diane."
She replied, "My name's Ann."
I said, "I know, I just don't like you very much."
 
Just seen this Saturdays TV Listings which include "So You Think You
Can Dance Live?"
Well, its pretty difficult if you are dead.
 
My mate's missus left him last Thursday. She said she was going out
for a pint of milk and never came back! I asked him how he was coping
and he said, 'Not bad, I've been using that powdered stuff.'
 
I was called into my boss's office today because of my dress code.
He said, "You can't wear pyjamas for work."
I said, "Everyone else does."
He said, "That's because they're patients."
 
What's the difference between snot and brussel sprouts?
You'll never catch your kids eating their brussel sprouts.
 
A girl argues with her boyfriend and says he is too immature and should
go and sleep on the sofa.. so he's goes downstairs turns the sofa
into a fort and makes a sign saying 'no girls allowed'
 
I winked and said to my next door neighbour, "I could hear you and
Jim at it like rabbits last night."
She said, "I was sleeping at my sisters last night."
Oops.
 
I have been an archaeologist for over 25 years and haven't found a
single artifact.
I think my career is in ruins.
 
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