My mate has an interview to be a waiter this afternoon. I asked, "So are you looking forward to it?" He said, "I can't wait!" I said, "Don't tell them that”.
There was an incident at the local shopping centre involving a gang of thieves.
The Police sealed off all the exits, but the thieves escaped out of all the entrances .
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clocks broken and I'm wide awake. Not sure who won......
Two men are walking through the jungle.
One picks up a rock and throws it at a lion and turns to his friend and shouts “run!!!”.
His friend says “Why? I didn't throw it”
I asked my teacher for advice when taking my maths exam and he said that you should always read through the paper first.
That's the last time I listen to him, I was halfway through my horoscope when I heard "Ok, pencils down".
My local bobby on the beat is a proper copper, through and through.
You know that because, even if you see him at 7am in the morning, he still says, "Evenin' all!"
We asked 100 cats if they preferred kitekat or whiskas catfood!
Results show that 100% of cats looked at us as if we were idiots,turned and walked away!
After their dinner, a man said to the waiter, "Can we have a look at the dessert menu? My wife is eating for two"
The waiter said, "Congratulations, when is it due?"
The man replied, "Oh, she's not pregnant"
Was walking through the perfume stands in Debenhams when a saleswoman came up to me.
"Oh, you smell nice, what fragrance is it you are wearing, Obsession by Calvin Klein?"
To which I replied, "nope, it's Lynx by.. two get one free".
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