jokes bad or otherwise.

I went for a job interview yesterday and the manager said, "Where do you see yourself in five years time?"
I replied, "Well if I was a betting man I'd probably say it will still be mirrors."
 
"Why are they called 'Sperm' Whales?" asked my wife.
"Because of their shape." I replied. "They look like whales."
 
Missus woke me up during the night, apparantly i was having a conversation about Gandalf, Gollum and Frodo, looks like i've been Tolkien in my sleep again.
 
My wife said, "A little birdy told me what to expect off you for my birthday this year."
I had a vision of a sparrow landing on her shoulder and whispering, "Sod all" in her ear.
 
My wife just bet me I couldn't build a car out of spaghetti.
You should've seen her face when I drove pasta!
 
I said, "Mate, you're flying low!"
He looked down at the zip on his trousers and said, "No, I'm not. It's done up"
And that's when the plane crashed.
 
A wrinkled little old lady comes to the gate of the graveyard and knocks on the window of the caretaker's office.
"Excuse me, can you tell me where I can find Plot 29, Row 14, Grave 36?"
"Oh that's just great, that is," says the caretaker, "digging yourself out and then not being able to find your way back."
 
"Right lads, today we're going to rob that door manufacturing company".
"Remember, nothing fancy, just in and out".
 
A bloke was sentenced to 20 years for his part in a time share fraud.
He has to go to prison for 2 weeks every year.
 
Next time the people in front of you at the bank take too long.
Try saying "Hey, can you hurry up this gun is heavy you know."
 
I've been offered two guitars, but neither have strings.
I'm not really sure what to do, there's nothing to pick between them.
 
News: Gaddafi arrives in Niger
For just £3 a month, you can save Muammar from having to walk for water.....
 
Me and my wife were both laying in bed this morning when she said, "I'm fed up with the lack of contact we have these days."
Well I think that's what she said, I couldn't hear her properly through the wall.
 
"Who was the first man on earth?" asks the teacher.
Little Johnny puts his hand up: "Little Joe, Miss."
"That's wrong, Johnny," says the teacher, annoyed. "It was Adam."
"Adam, Little Joe, Hoss, what's the difference? I knew it was somebody off Bonanza."
 
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