jokes bad or otherwise.

I used to go with a girl who had so much bridgework done that everytime i kissed her,i had to pay a toll :D

I wouldnt say she was cross eyed but everytime she cried the tears ran down her back

Teacher asks her class what occupations their fathers have.She gets the usual replies of Fireman,policeman and so on.She asked little Johnny what his father did and he replied in a very sad and sullen voice.".He does Nuthin"!!."He must do something", said the teacher."
Nuthin!!,replied Johnny again","he's dead"
Oh Dear,thought the teacher and trying to salvage the situation she came up with what she thought was a rather clever idea.
"OK Johnny,what did he do before he died?"
Little Johny replied,"he turned green and fell offf the chair,miss"

Hector
 
I saw an old man at the bus stop. He had one foot on the pavement, and the other on the bus.
He was getting on a bit.
 
My mate says women are so good at multi-tasking that his wife once used the toaster while having a bath.
Well that's what he told the police.
 
I went to the pub quiz last night and couldn't believe how hard the questions were.
Things like "who won the 2010 X Factor?"
 
Bought myself some plasticine for £2 and moulded it into a short fat man, called it "Mohammed" and just sold it on ebay for £9.
Turns out I made a nice little prophet...
 
My New Year's resolutions:
2008: I will get my weight down below 170 pounds.
2009: I will follow my new diet religiously until I get below 200 pounds.
2010: I will develop a realistic attitude about my weight.
2011: I will work out three days a week.
2012: I will try to drive past a gym at least once a week.
 
I met a man in the pub the other day and he said he was building a house out of books.
I asked him how high it was.
"Three stories" he replied.
 
Things to do today:
Make my breakfast,
Iron my clothes,
Make my dinner,
Wash my car,
Make my tea.
I then gave the list to my wife.Oh by the way I'm writing this in hospital.
 
Just past a bloke who was on a tractor telling everyone the world is going to end...
..its farmer Geddon
 
Dear Optimist, Pessimist, and Realist. While you guys were arguing about the glass of water. I drank it. -
The Opportunist
 
As my wife was in the kitchen mixing up the ingredients for my sons birthday cake I heard him shout through ''Mum, can I lick the bowl?''
She yelled back ''No, flush it like everyone else!''
 
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