jokes bad or otherwise.

I didn't win the Grand National this year.

Mind you, all those other beggars were cheating and using horses.
 
I went into a dry cleaners today.
"How much for two suits?"
"£25, sir."
"And do you do alterations?"
"Yes, sir."
"Good, can you make it £15?"
 
I went into the local library and asked if they had any books on the Titanic.
"Oh yes, quite a few", the Librarian said.
"Sorry to hear that", I replied. "They'll all be ruined by now".
 
A man was on a beach when he discovered an old lamp in the sand. He rubbed it and a genie popped out.

The genie said "I will grant you three wishes. The only condition is that you cannot wish for more wishes."

"Alright," said the man, "I wish for more genies."
 
The lady woke her husband up one Sunday morning. "Come on, time to get ready for church."

"Do I have to?"

"Yes you do."

"I just want to sleep in for ONE Sunday, PLEASE."

"No. You can sleep in tomorrow."

"Why do I HAVE to get up and go to church EVERY Sunday?"

"Well, you're the vicar."
 
Just because someone doesn't love you the way you want them to,doesn't mean
> they don't love you with all they have. Ralph and Edna were both patients
> in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital
> swimming pool,Ralph suddenly jumped into the deep end.
>
>
> He sank to the bottom of the pool and stayed there.
>
>
> Edna promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled him
> out. When the Head Nurse Director became aware of Edna's heroic act she
> immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as she now
> considered her to be mentally stable.
>
>
> When she went to tell Edna the news she said,
> 'Edna, I have good news and bad news.
> The good news is you're being discharged, since you were able to respond
> rationally to a crisis by jumping in and saving the life of the person you
> love.... I have concluded that your act displays sound mindedness.


The bad news is, Ralph hung himself in the bathroom with his bathrobe belt
> right after you saved him.
> I am so sorry, but he's dead.'
>
>
> Edna replied,
> 'He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry..
> How soon can I go home?'
>
 
A bloke and his wife were getting ready to go out.The woman opens the bathroom door and said "Be honest do I look big in this"
"Yes” he replied but to be fair it is quite a small bathroom
 
I failed my CB radio practical exam today.
The instructor said "Do you copy?"
I said "No, but I've got the answers written on my hand."
 
BLOKE SAT IN HIS ARMCHAIR & SHOUTS TO HIS WIFE,

"WHEN I DIE I'M GOING TO LEAVE EVERYTHING TO YOU, LOVE!"



SHE SHOUTS BACK "YOU ALREADY DO YOU LAZY B****** !! "
 
Wife texts husband on a cold winters morning:


"Windows frozen."



Husband texts back:

"pour some luke warm water over"



Wife texts back:

"computer completely ****ed now."
 
"Life is like a jar of Jalapeno peppers..
What you do today, might Burn Your Ass Tomorrow"
 
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