jokes bad or otherwise.

Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning.


The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn't even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend's stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.

The 87 year old said, "Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you'll have great stamina with the ladies."

So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help.

He said "Do you have any Rye bread?"

She said, "Yes, there's a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?"

He said, "I want 5 loaves."

She said, "My goodness, 5 loaves! By the time you get to the 3rd loaf, it'll be hard."

He replied, "I can't believe it, everybody knows about this s**t but me."
 
Father buys a lie detector Robot that slaps you when you lie.
He decides to test it out on his son at the supper table.
Father asked the son, "Where were you last night?"
Son replies, "I was at the library." The robot slaps the son." OK I was at a friend's house, watching a movie!
What movie the father says?
Toy story." Robot slaps the son. "OK, it was porn, cries the son.
Father yells, "What? When I was your age I did not know what porn was." Robot slaps the father.
The mother laughs and says, "He certainly is your son." Robot slaps the mother.
 
2 Cars are in a head on collision,,

A man crawls out of the first car and a woman crawls out of the second,

"Wow" she says "both cars are write offs but neither of us has a scratch!"

" Look here as well, this bottle of wine is unbroken. I think we deserve a drink"

" I'm game" said the man

"Go ahead" she said" you first."

He drinks deeply and is just going to hand the bottle back when she says "no thankyou!"
" Dont you want any?" he said

" I think I'll just wait for the police! "she said.
 
They say that in every group of friends there is always a compulsive liar.
I reckon in my group it's either David Beckham or the queen!
 
I pinched my nostrils together as I spoke with my boss this morning.
"Hello boss" I said, "I'm not feeling very well today, I've got a terrible cold and I think it's best if I spend the day in bed."
"Don't be a prat all your life!" he said, "Now get out of my office and get back to work."
 
If this sounds familiar apologies........... Japanese scientists have now invented a camera shutter so fast it can catch a woman with her mouth closed! :P
 
Our dog will fight:
- Burglars
- Bullies
- Dogs twice her size
- Postmen

But starts crying when I get the hoover out.
 
I went to the betting shop and there was a sign on the door which said,
Gone to lunch, back in:
30 minutes: Evens
25 minutes: 2/1
20 minutes: 5/1
15 minutes: 8/1
10 minutes: 25/1
 
Saw a sign in the bus station today, it said 'One bus takes 35 cars off the road'
Personally I think it depends how aggressive the driver is...
 
I've never quite understood self-help books. If you're looking for self-help, then why would you read a book written by someone else?
 
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