jokes bad or otherwise.

I was at a restaurant and I thought I saw a family praying at the table.
It turned out they were only texting.
 
For his birthday my mates wife paid to have a star named after him.
Leonardo Dicaprio is now known as Colin Braithwaite.
 
The thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals is that everyone walks around like they're hatching a dastardly plan.
 
CALENDAR FACT: All the seasons are named after coils of metal.
Except Winter and Summer.............
and Autumn.
 
As I walked into the ladies toilet for a wee a woman looked at me and asked, "Can I help you?"
"That's awfully kind of you," I replied, "but I think I can manage."
 
I went to the doctors today.
"What seems to be the problem?" he asked
"Nothing now” I said “but there was 3 weeks ago when I booked this appointment!.”
 
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but she can usually be sedated with a few pieces of chocolate cake.
 
A dog attacks a lady and the husband calls 999.

The operator asks, "Where are you at?"

The husband replies, "I'm on Eucolipstic Road."

The operator asks, "Can you spell that for me?"

"Um, well - er...I'll just drag her over to Oak Street so you can you pick her up there"
 
A man was telling his neighbour, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.!"

"Really," answered the neighbour. "What kind is it?'"

"Twelve-thirty."
 
A reporter, interviewing Jack Nicklaus: "Jack, you are spectacular! You really know your way around the course. What is your secret?"

Jack: "The holes are numbered."
 
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