jokes bad or otherwise.

My wife asked if I would mind putting a shelf up this weekend.
"Yeah no problem, it can sleep in the spare room", I said
 
"Excuse me, Officer. Have you ever seen a six-foot penguin?"
"No," says the policeman, "I don't think penguins are that big."
"Well, then I've just run over a nun."
 
Was just accosted by a couple of heavies with an iron bar who threatened to break my legs if I didn't pay my rent.
My wife takes playing Monopoly far too seriously.
 
News: "Police hunt serial flasher in Newtown"
I saw him the other night, he waved some Coco Pops in my face then ran away... Pervert.
 
At a wedding reception the DJ Yelled "all the married men stand next to the person that made your life worth living"
The landlord was crushed to death
 
A man walks into a library and asks for a book on Hitler.
'It's on the far right' the librarian replies.
'Thank you, I'd also like a book on Marxist theory'
'Furthest left sir'
'and Nick Clegg?'
'Sorry sir, I don't know where that one is'
 
My mate says his boss has been making him stand on one leg and he's getting sick of it.
I told him he'd have to put his foot down.
 
I had a 'near death' experience yestetday....
I stupidly thought I could change channels while Coronation Street was on!
 
BBC News: Jones to break Wales cap record.
Maybe he should concentrate on his rugby, instead of collecting hats.
 
A man meets a homeless man in the street who asks him for £2
"Are you going to spend it on booze?"
"No" replies the homeless man
"Are you going to gamble it away?"
“No” says the homeless man
"Well will you come home with me?"
"Why?" says the homeless man
"So my wife can see what happens when you dont drink or gamble"
 
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