jokes bad or otherwise.

"Don't open that wardrobe!" shouted my wife,your Christmas present is in there!"
"Too late," I said, pulling open the door.
"You get me the worst presents!" I said, looking in. "Why the hell would I want a half naked milkman?"
 
My son said, "Dad, why do they call it Boxing Day?"
I said, "Because that's the day all the supermarkets get the boxes out and fill the shelves full of Easter eggs."
 
I was banned from every football ground in the country for at least 12 months yesterday.
I forgot my wedding anniversary.
 
A highways agency warning said anyone travelling in icy conditions should take a shovel, blankets, sleeping bag, extra clothing, including a scarf, hat, gloves, 24 hour supply of food and drink, de-icer, rock salt, torch, safety triangle, tow rope, petrol can, first aid kit and jump leads. I looked a right idiot on the bus this morning.
 
I thought I could hear my 2 dogs fighting over a squeaky toy earlier but it turned out my next door neighbours were playing Nicki Minaj's greatest hits!
 
People say I won't admit to being too pedantic
Well, I am too pedantic
There, I've said it now
Or to be more accurate I've typed it...
 
What's the difference between a Scottish wedding and a Scottish funeral?
There is one less drunk at a Scottish funeral.
 
I told the wife I had just joined UKIP.
"Was it because of David Cameron's evocative speech the other day?" she asked
"No. I want the council to remove our kids"
 
It's been announced that veteran rockers Status Quo are to play at Chelsea's stadium next year.
I reckon they'll win 3-0
 
Two policemen stopped their van and roared over at me, "What do you think your doing?"
"I'm practising for a hurdling final!" I shouted, "can't a man do anything in this country any more?"
"Get in the van you idiot, you've knocked over every headstone!"
 
I found some salad dressing at the back of my fridge with a use by date of 21/12/12. I think it's Mayanaise...
 
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