jokes bad or otherwise.
- Thread starter George
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captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company. In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot Barrister was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the Barrister interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The Barrister interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the Barrister 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. " Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans."
"Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now ya Honour wot da @£$% would you say?'
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the Barrister interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road.... '
The Barrister interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the Barrister 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded. " Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans."
"Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes."
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
'Now ya Honour wot da @£$% would you say?'
imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
Old age is: Trying to pull your socks up, then realising you're not wearing any!
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A married lady comes home and has £5000 in cash.
When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”
She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”
To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”
The next day she comes home with a full-length fur coat.
Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”
She says, “I couldn’t believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me so I bought the coat!!”
The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.
The husband says, “I know. You won the lottery.
Right?” She replies, “Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you please run me a bath? Please?”
“Sure,” he answers. So, the guy goes in and starts running the bath water for his wife. When its ready he calls out "Hey honey your bath's ready!"
She comes to the bathroom in her robe , looks at the tub, scowls at him and shouts, “What you playing at ? Why is there only a quarter inch of water in the bath ?”
To which he loudly replies, “I didn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!”
Oh Matron!
When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”
She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”
To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”
The next day she comes home with a full-length fur coat.
Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”
She says, “I couldn’t believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me so I bought the coat!!”
The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.
The husband says, “I know. You won the lottery.
Right?” She replies, “Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you please run me a bath? Please?”
“Sure,” he answers. So, the guy goes in and starts running the bath water for his wife. When its ready he calls out "Hey honey your bath's ready!"
She comes to the bathroom in her robe , looks at the tub, scowls at him and shouts, “What you playing at ? Why is there only a quarter inch of water in the bath ?”
To which he loudly replies, “I didn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!”
Oh Matron!
Peripheral
Dedicated Member
It's a cracker!!!A married lady comes home and has £5000 in cash.
When her husband asks, “Where did that come from?”
She replies, “I won it in a lottery!”
To which he replies, “That’s great! Let’s go celebrate.”
The next day she comes home with a full-length fur coat.
Again the husband asks, “Where did that come from?”
She says, “I couldn’t believe it! Another lottery ticket came through for me so I bought the coat!!”
The next day she comes in, looking tired, wearing a two-carat diamond ring.
The husband says, “I know. You won the lottery.
Right?” She replies, “Why, yes, as a matter of fact, I did. Honey, would you please run me a bath? Please?”
“Sure,” he answers. So, the guy goes in and starts running the bath water for his wife. When its ready he calls out "Hey honey your bath's ready!"
She comes to the bathroom in her robe , looks at the tub, scowls at him and shouts, “What you playing at ? Why is there only a quarter inch of water in the bath ?”
To which he loudly replies, “I didn't want you to get your lottery ticket wet!”
Oh Matron!
Peripheral
Dedicated Member
Core, another one of Dicks dynamic ditty's. Or was it a Granny Smith's?What sits in custard looking miserable ??...........................Apple grumble !
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
or Glum Duff Here's a picture as you can see the are lots of tears sorry tiers.
Here's a picture as you can see the are lots of tears sorry tiers. imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
I was out in the street one day when an ambulance shoots past on a 999 call. Nee-naa nee-naa nee-naa, Zoom! A drunk man then comes up to me and says "He'll never sell ice creams at that speed!"
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A downhearted musician walks into a bar and orders a drink.
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this wind pipe didn't get even one in.
Last week, we played for the German Kaiser, and he also liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with gold. Cello got 2000 coins in, drum got 4000 coins in, this mobile wind stick didn't get even one in.
Yesterday, we played for the Russian Czar, he said we are playing out of tune and ordered his guards to shove our instruments where the sun don't shine . The drum didn't make an impression , the cello didn't get anywhere, this silver streak of misery went .......................... have you heard James Galway he's my hero...................!"
The bartender asks "Why the long face?"
"I play flute in a travelling orchestra" he said. "Last month, we played for the Ottoman sultan. He liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with sapphires. The cello got 1000 sapphires in, the drum got 2000 sapphires in, this wind pipe didn't get even one in.
Last week, we played for the German Kaiser, and he also liked our performance and ordered to fill our instruments with gold. Cello got 2000 coins in, drum got 4000 coins in, this mobile wind stick didn't get even one in.
Yesterday, we played for the Russian Czar, he said we are playing out of tune and ordered his guards to shove our instruments where the sun don't shine . The drum didn't make an impression , the cello didn't get anywhere, this silver streak of misery went .......................... have you heard James Galway he's my hero...................!"
Peripheral
Dedicated Member
I remember Eric Morecambe saying that to Ernie Wise.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
A blind man walks into the bakery and asks for 8 poppy seed rolls.
While the baker gathers them for him, he asks "Are you expecting visitors for a meal ?"
" No," replies the blind man. " I’m going on vacation, and they have such wonderful stories written on them! "
While the baker gathers them for him, he asks "Are you expecting visitors for a meal ?"
" No," replies the blind man. " I’m going on vacation, and they have such wonderful stories written on them! "
imitation700mb
Dedicated Member
I remember Eric Morecambe saying that to Ernie Wise.
Did he? I heard it from Les Dennis on Family Fortunes.
captain clutterbuck
LOTSW Fanatic
There once was a man called John O’Malley. When John was young he loved tractors.
He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!
One day, while John was driving his favourite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel had hit John after he jumped out of the tractor.
He was scarred, physically and mentally and absolutely hated tractors from then on. He tore the posters off his wall, threw out all his toy tractors and even gave his dog away to his neighbours.
Many years later, John was drinking alone in a crowded pub when suddenly the pub caught fire. People rushed to the door but couldn’t make it out before the place filled with smoke. All of a sudden, John stood on his chair, breathed ALL the smoke into his lungs, rushed over to a window, and blew all the smoke outside.
Everyone was amazed.
“How did you do that?!”, the bar owner asked.
“It was easy”, John replied, “I’m an ex-tractor fan!”
He had posters of tractors on his wall, loads of toy tractors, he even named his dog “Tractor”!
One day, while John was driving his favourite tractor, a Massey Ferguson 5710SL, the vehicle caught on fire. Luckily John escaped but not without injury, the tractor had blown up and some shrapnel had hit John after he jumped out of the tractor.
He was scarred, physically and mentally and absolutely hated tractors from then on. He tore the posters off his wall, threw out all his toy tractors and even gave his dog away to his neighbours.
Many years later, John was drinking alone in a crowded pub when suddenly the pub caught fire. People rushed to the door but couldn’t make it out before the place filled with smoke. All of a sudden, John stood on his chair, breathed ALL the smoke into his lungs, rushed over to a window, and blew all the smoke outside.
Everyone was amazed.
“How did you do that?!”, the bar owner asked.
“It was easy”, John replied, “I’m an ex-tractor fan!”